I had a good time last night, just hanging out with Jess and Carmen, mostly because we decided on one very huge thing: We're going to roadtrip down to California in May. For the love of God I hope Jess doesn't back out, because I know that I am so dead serious and I am in 100%. I know Carmen is too, she even emailed me some link today that basically maps out roadtrips for you, right down to hostels and gas stations for the entire west coast. I'm so beyond excited.

It was already around midnight by the time we started talking about it and started yelling, "Yeah! YEAH! California! Let's go!" and broke out the road maps that looked like they were from the 1970s. We weren't too sure about the trip right then yet, just wanted to see how far it would be and how much money we were talking, but then Carmen spotted it - a city called Weed in northern California. We couldn't stop laughing for like twenty minutes after that. I think we could make it to Weed in one day, especially if Jess starts and gets us through Washington, because she drives like a crazy woman. So we're going to stop in Weed and get our T-shirts that say "I love Weed" or whatever (seriously, I think that is half of my motivation for this trip) and then I think we could get to San Francisco the next day. Then on to LA. Yaaaaay!

I feel like I have something to look forward to now. I was getting so depressed thinking I wasn't doing anything cool this summer besides going up to Kelowna for a week. I can't wait to drive in Cali. I just want the experience of a) a big roadtrip with girl friends and b) living out my ultimate driving dream of California, in the sunshine, palm trees, blasting "California Love". Ahhhh.

On the way back Jess wants to stop more in Oregon, and that's cool because Oregon is really pretty and I do like it there. She's obsessed with this little city called Seaside because she was there once and there were a lot of guys on the beach or something. I don't know what exactly the story was, but it had to do with guys, a beach, and a bonfire, and I really just think she has made Seaside into fantasy-land in her head, but...hey, that's cool. Kind of like how I've made California into fantasy-land in my own head.

I'm so happy right now. I don't even care that it's 10 pm and I'm just starting my essay, the one that I have no quotes for yet and that I didn't read half of the material for. I'm just thinking about my friends, and this summer, and just...everything. I even started thinking about Cody today, and I surprised myself completely. The song "Too Close" by Next came on. That song was popular when him and I started dating, and it always reminds me of him back then. I started thinking about us when when we were 16 and I was actually going, "Awww, that was so cute".

I kind of like that feeling. Instead of missing him as a person and getting sad thinking of our memories, instead I was thinking of how cute my little high school relationship was, and how lucky I am to have had that experience. It's a weird transition phase, from feeling as if I should still be his girlfriend and that we belong together, to feeling as if high school is so totally over and that our relationship is a thing of the past. I feel so old already.

The truth is, I think that Cody and I are now miles apart, and not just literally. We are really in two very different worlds. Not talking to him has distanced us so much more, but I suppose that is what I needed. I needed to break the ties with him altogether. It makes me sad knowing that I lost him as a friend completely, but at the same time I know that I still have feelings for him and I don't even want to be his mutual friend. I wish I could feel that way, but I don't. But if him and I were to get together right now, it would be totally awkward. I tried to imagine kissing him again, and I couldn't distinguish real memories of being with him from my fabricated memories, what I dream of it being like.

I don't really know Cody at all anymore. I haven't a clue what classes he is taking. I don't know if he still has a girlfriend, though I just assume he does. I don't know what kind of music he listens to, what shows he watches on TV, where he goes on weekends, how his running has been going. I always made a point of taking interest in the whole running thing after we broke up, just to show him how totally devoted I was to him and how much I cared about his life and his priorities. I feel rather guilty that I haven't asked him about it in months. But that's what he wanted, right? He wanted me to leave him alone.

So now I don't know him anymore, and he doesn't know me. I don't hear about him from friends, and he probably doesn't hear about me. It would seem that we're out of each others lives for good, but I know he is still inside me...in my thoughts, in my heart. I think of him everyday, and I can't believe he would be that cold hearted not to think of me once in a while, too. I'm sure he's at least thought in the last month, "Hey, Krista hasn't called me in two weeks, that's weird".

How do I end up doing this to myself? I just went from saying "I am so happy right now" to feeling rather sad. Maybe sad isn't the right word...I just feel old. Cody is so over with, and closing that chapter of my life is like closing off high school, and closing off high school is like...when did that happen? When did I start detaching myself from high school? When did I start looking back on our love as being "so cute" as if we were little kids who didn't know any better?

Oh God, in four months I turn twenty. What do you do when you're no longer a teenager?

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