This weekend I can't even go out, I just have too many things to do for school. I think all of this staying home has been getting me down. This sounds horrible, but I'm almost hoping for something bad to happen to me Cody-wise so that I have a distraction, a little spontaneity and unpredictability in my life. I want him to call me, or for someone to say something to me, or just...anything! When my life was chaotic and I broke down almost every day, I prayed for a life where absolutely nothing ever happened, and I think I got it.

I've never been the kind of person to feel boring. I got used to my life being like a daily soap opera, and having so many stories to tell people that I couldn't even find the time to tell my best friends everything. Now when people ask me, "So what's new with you?", and I say "nothing", I really mean it. Not a single thing is new with me, and I am so frustrated. I'm frustrated to a point where I want to just go wild, get really drunk somewhere and do something stupid just to have a story to tell.

I think maybe I am calming down a bit. I've been through phases like this before, and they always drive me crazy. I go from good girl, to wild party girl, back to good girl again. I did the wild party girl thing for the entire summer until November or so, and now I'm back into my good girl homebody mode. Considering that my best friends right now are party people, that would explain why I haven't been going out much lately. I just don't feel like it. I haven't smoked pot for a couple months, and I promised myself I'd cut way down on the alcohol because I really do think it has long-term depressive effects on me and I've done well with that. I've felt more serious lately. I want to concentrate on school and get good grades, and I don't want just random hook-ups, if I'm going to have a boyfriend I want a really good one who wants a serious relationship.

What's happening to me? I'm even bothered by smoking, it's been driving me crazy how often Danny and Anna need to go have a cigarette. Now that I think about it, lately I've only been listening to the cheesy teeny-bopper pop music I used to like. Oh God, I feel sick. I think I'm reverting back to my goody-goody ways.

This dual-personality business is so hard to keep up with. I'm not enjoying this phase because I hate feeling boring. It's almost a feeling of uselessness, you know? If nothing exciting is happening in my life it gets to the point where I question what the point of living is. Why am I here if my sole purpose is to go to school, come home, eat food, do homework, watch some TV, go to bed, repeat process.

I almost feel as if I'm devoid of emotion. I haven't been really extremely upset about anything for a while now, and I know you're thinking, well isn't that a good thing? But I don't know if I'm really "happy" either. I think I'm going to be dealing with this issue for the rest of my life - what is "happy"? I am still so confused as to what normal people feel like when they're happy. What is it to be "normal"? I haven't a clue if I'm happy or not, or I'm normal yet for that matter. I'm not disturbingly upset, so am I happy? What happens when you're happy, what do you think about?

I think it's fair to say I am content, but everything is just so dull and drab. If this is happiness, why I am wishing I had something to scream about right now? I need a change, I need to get out of this house, or even better out of this city. I need a vacation to somewhere sunny and hot where I can wash my hair in the morning then go lay on the beach and let it dry in the sun. Read some good books, play beach volleyball, walk along the shore and pick up shells and look in tidal pools and try to catch the little fish caught in them.

I'm terrified and fascinated by the ocean at the exact same time. I love to be near it, and walk along the beach and explore the shoreline, and I love the sound and smell of it but I won't go into it very deep. I'm one of those people who could spend an entire afternoon watching the waves and getting splashed every once and a while by the big ones, sitting near the tidal pools trying to catch the little fishies in my hands until I have a bucket full of them. To get a bucket full of those fishies, damn that takes hours sometimes, they're so quick. You have to sneak up on them from both sides, very slowly. They're not totally stupid, the vibrations in the water from your hands moving are probably crushing their ears. Do fish have ears?

I wish I were anywhere but here right now. I want to be in my bikini, laying on the beach, talking with someone, feeling the sunshine on my face and letting it highlight my hair naturally. Last night I was getting into bed wearing sweatpants, and I felt a little warm so I changed into shorts and immediately felt better. Not just cooler in temperature, but fitter, skinnier, prettier. I've noticed this before, this correlation. The less clothing on my body, the better I feel.

I really think I was born to live somewhere warmer than here. I feel so comfortable in little bikinis and short skirts, not because I'm trying to look sexy or slutty, just because I love feeling the sun and wind on my skin. I love my body. I love the look of my legs and stomach and I like to go skinny-dipping at night. I shouldn't be living here, where half the time I have to wear three layers of clothing and my skin is pale and I pay hundreds of dollars a year to put the blonde back into my hair.

I should be somewhere where I feel comfortable and beautiful all the time. Maybe then, I would really be happy.

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