1. I went to visit Cody at SFU, but it wasn't really SFU it sort of looked like a mixture of SFU and this building I remember seeing in California. I forget how we met up and everything, but we were sitting on the couch and talking, and he told me he loved me and he wanted to be with me, and that I would always be his baby. We were making out and I was so, so happy, and I kept telling him over and over how happy I was. We walked around SFU holding hands and it was like nothing had ever changed. I was on top of the world.

[woke up - wanted to cry - held on to my necklace and said a prayer - went back to sleep]

2. Continuation from Dream 1, I guess. I was at my house, and woke up really late. First I went to my computer and saw that I'd accidently left my ICQ on all night and that I had a billion messages. Someone had written me some little story about a desert or something, I completely forget, but I remember thinking it made no sense and I was totally confused.

I went downstairs in my pj's, my hair was totally messed up and I had makeup under my eyes and everything, and I heard my dad open the door and Cody come in. I didn't even ask him what he was doing in my house, he just came in with his girlfriend and was walking around doing whatever, as if it were his house too. I sat down to watch a movie downstairs, something about squirrels, it was utterly bizarre. Cody was an artist and carring around a pad with him, drawing his girlfriend in a billion different ways, and his girlfriend was Chinese and speaking in Chinese to someone else in my house. He sat down beside me and I can't remember exactly what I was saying, but it was a lot of "Don't you love me anymore? Just a couple months ago, you said we were together again, I don't understand" and all of that, and he kept telling me he didn't love me, and that maybe he had slight feelings for me back then but it was totally gone now. He said he didn't give a shit about me or our past and that we would never be together again. I started crying really hard and layed on the floor by our fireplace, crying into a pillow. Cody came over and hugged me, kissed my forehead and said, "It's gonna be okay", and I thought for a second he loved me again, but he didn't. I kept asking, "Why did you do this to me, how could you, I love you so much, I love you Cody" over and over, and he was being really harsh, saying "I don't love you Krista, I don't want you in my life, it's over", etc.

[woke up again]

I think that I had a couple other Cody dreams in there, but I forget what they were. Probably the same sort of thing as above. Oh yeah, there was one where he said, "You're my favourite, you're my baby" and I said, "Are you being sarcastic?" and he said "Obviously" and I cried more. Nice dreams...

This is Day 27 having no contact with Cody whatsoever, and now I want to call him and cry so, so badly.

I hate this, I hate dreaming. I wish I didn't dream, I wish I could just fall into one of those sleeps that is so deep you're just totally gone, and when you wake up you feel like you were dead for hours and you don't remember a thing. I pray for sleep like that, and I get it maybe once every couple of months. I wake up every morning feeling emotionally drained, like I've just been crying for 8 hours straight, because in my dreams I have been. Sleeping is like playing Russian Roulette, I never know if I'll have bad Cody dreams or not.

I really wanted to be happy today. I wanted to get up at a reasonable time, work a lot on my Psych essay, and take a walk in the snow. It's been snowing like crazy since yesterday evening. I haven't seen this much snow in Richmond since I was probably 10 or 11, when the snow was three or four feet high and we dug tunnels around our yard, made huge slides, forts, and tons of snowmen everywhere. The year I started dating Cody it snowed a little more than usual, and him and I had all of those snow memories I've recounted in here probably three times already.

I usually hate snow, because it reminds me of him. But this year I decided I would change my snow memories from being with Cody, to being with my best friends. When it started to snow the other night, Danny and I were peeking through the curtains in awe, and he looked at me and said, "Snow makes me so happy!" and gave me a big hug. I decided then that I want snow to make me happy, too.

It really is beautiful. I think this may be a record snowfall, as long as it keeps up. Maybe I'll take the dog for a walk. The dog still loves me.


<< || >>