I have so many things on my mind lately, and there are so many things that have me totally confused. I'm tripping myself out over everything in my life. Nothing makes sense. I can't for the life of me figure out why I don't have a boyfriend, when I really, really want one. I know I'm pretty, and that it's not an issue of attraction. I can get guys to think I'm hot, no problem - but I can't get a guy to actually like me. It's like they see body and nothing else. The only explanations I can come up with are that either I'm looking too hard for true love and I need to lower my expectations, or that it's my age. Maybe it's that honestly, guys my age just aren't interested in having serious girlfriends, they just want to fuck around. It's driving me crazy wondering why so many girls I know are single. I know my friends are beautiful too, and smart, funny - they're good girls. We all want boyfriends so badly, and yet none of us can find anything serious. And as a result, we're going out of our minds. What is wrong with men?

I can't stop thinking about what Kevin said to me. I don't think I mentioned anything in here about the whole Kevin thing, did I? I've been largely ignoring it because the truth is, it really hurt me. As much as I believe I honestly do not care, I find myself thinking about it all the time. I actually think I may be really upset about it and choosing not to deal with it. Okay, I may as well tell the story, I need to get it off my chest.

I've mentioned him before, but Kevin is a guy I went to high school with who I always had a big crush on. He's a really good looking guy, and a player. We were never good friends because him and Cody hated each other, and with reason on Cody's part. Kevin was always talking shit about Cody, and how I shouldn't be with him. After Cody and I broke up, Kevin and I hooked up a couple times. So in the last few months him and I have had a "thing", sort of, yada yada you get the picture.

So a week or so ago, he called me like he does sometimes out of nowhere. Basically, it was a booty call, and I knew it was...but like I said earlier, I really want a boyfriend, you know? I don't want to just hook up with him whenever he wants, I want something more than that. So he started out asking me about my New Years, and if I got any play. I said "Nah", and he said, "Why not?!" and I said, "I dunno, I guess there just wasn't anyone there I wanted to be with". That was sort of a hint-hint flirty thing, because him and I were going to do New Years together originally until plans changed. So he said, "Oh yeah..." and I said, "Yeah". Then he said, "Well did you want some?" and I said, "I guess" and he said, "Do you still?" and I said, "I don't know...maybe" and he said, "Maybe, what's that all about" and I said [drumroll please], "Well, it's not all about play you know...I kind of want a guy who actually likes me".

I guess that wasn't the best thing to say, because he said, "That's too bad, because I was going to ask if you wanted to come over". It took me a couple seconds to realize what he had just said and what was meant by that, and I was completely taken aback. I said, "So you were going to ask me to come over, then changed your mind when I said I wanted a guy who liked me?" and he said, "Well yeah I wanted you to come over, but if that's the case then nevermind". Our conversation ended quickly after that, and I think I was still in shock a couple minutes later.

I don't know what ever made me think that Kevin and I had something that went beyond making out, but I really believed it. I feel so incredibly stupid. How could I have ever thought I was more special than the other girls? I thought I could change his player ways, and that with me it was different. I thought that of all the guys I know and like, that he was the most likely to turn into something better, and that maybe we'd even be dating in the next couple months. I acknowledged the fact that he thought I was hot, but I really thought he was going to fall in love with me and he'd never want to be with anyone but me. I am so naively stupid, I can't even believe it. I really cannot believe he actually said to me that if I was looking for a guy who "actually liked me", he didn't want anything to do with it. I'm totally insulted...and hurt...

What makes me feel even worse is that just a week before all of this, I had been gushing to Mike about Kevin over ICQ, and Mike told me "Why do you want him? He isn't a nice guy Kris". I thought for a minute that Mike is a guy, and usually guys know what other guys are like and have pretty good intuition when it comes to stuff like this, but I still didn't believe him. Mike said exactly this - "Kev may seem a like a nice guy on the outside, but he is seriously a jerk" and then made some comment about Kevin saying shit about me. I told Mike to tell me what Kevin's said, and Mike said, "You know, just around the guys...I know he has always said he wanted to get with you...doesn't that make you feel disrespected?". Now that I've realized he was totally right, I really do feel cheap. Kevin makes me feel like a slut. I can never take good advice, can I? I was warned by another guy who knew Kevin better than I did. Mike said, "He's always credited himself as a player, and you're just another chick he scores". I responded with, "Yeah I know but...maybe I can change his ways :)" and Mike said, "I highly doubt it".

So basically, I just lost the one guy I thought could be my boyfriend, and I'm back at square one again. Why do I always fall for the guys who are jerks? I'm always being used.

Enough about Kevin. I don't know what to do tonight, because I said I'd go to this fundraiser at a club for the SFU Cheerleaders. First of all, I used to go to SFU and I really do not want to see anyone I knew from that school there. Second, I have a ton of homework to do, and I just feel so tired and blah that I want to stay home tonight and recover. What's holding me back from staying home is that I told some of my friends I'd go, and I know there are going to be some really cute guys there. Carmen was going on and on about two in particular who she said would be so perfect for me, and are single and will be there, and she'd introduce me to them. They play on the basketball team for Langara, and Carmen plays on the girls team so she's all buddy-buddy with hot basketball guys.

I feel so utterly pathetic. I only want to go out because I'm so obsessed with having a boyfriend, and these are boys who have four huge bonuses: a) they are friends with a good friend of mine, b) they're single, c) they play basketball and are built, and d) they go to my school.

I'm risking my health and education just for one night of meeting new guys. What is my life coming to...

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