Today was fairly uneventful. I felt a twinge of failure when I wrote "Jan. 16" on the top of one of my pages today and immediately thought that tomorrow is the 17th, which was our anniversary. Not anniversary as in another year gone by (that would be November 17), but anniversary as in the high school way of counting every month as your "___ month anniversary" sort of thing. I really need to rid myself of that mentality. It would have been our, uh, 38 month anniversary.

Stupid things like that kept happening. My Latin-American Studies teacher makes a point of calling out the name of a Caroline every class because she hasn't shown up yet. On "That 70's Show" today, Fez's girlfriend's name was Caroline. I never knew or heard of a single Caroline in my life until a couple months ago, and now the name is everywhere I go.

People are always telling me how much they've learned from me, and sometimes I feel cheated because of it. I'm glad I have friends who learned from my mistakes, but at the same time, why did it have to be me making all of the mistakes and them benefiting from it? Michelle once told me that she watched me waste a year of my life, and that was what helped her through her break-up, knowing she didn't want to end up like me. I know she didn't mean for it to come out that harshly, but it still stung me. For a few minutes I was actually very mad at her, first of all for saying outright that I wasted a year of my life, and second for thanking me for it, as if she was grateful I wanted to kill myself and I'd done it as a favour to her. I understand perfectly what she meant, but at the same time it still hurts me. It hurts knowing your friends breezed through similar situations because they witnessed you fuck it up to no end.

I did say at one time that I wished my pain would help other people, and I suppose that is exactly what it did do. I am a little resentful of it, though. I'll never understand why I have always been the one to make the mistakes.

I guess it is possible I saved someone's life along the line. Maybe that is my reason for being here.

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