Day 15 having not spoken to Cody in any way, shape or form. I think I just broke an all-time record. I've started off 2002 completely Cody-free.

It's a strange feeling having not spoken with him at all. I can't decide if I am okay or not, but that isn't ususual. I have days I think about calling him, and even mornings where I say to myself, "Yeah, I'll call him tonight" - and then I don't. This is probably better for me, to stop talking to him. I think about him, but I suspect it hasn't been long enough for me to determine if I haven't been thinking about him as much as before. I still dream of him, so he must be somewhere at least in my unconscious mind. I think about him around this time of night, before bedtime. But what I'm thinking is, Wow! I just went another full day without calling him.

I think I'm starting to get over him. I'm realizing how lately I've actually been thinking about other guys, which is something I haven't done in over a year. I mean, I actually wouldn't mind having a boyfriend other than him, when before the thought literally made me feel sick. I can listen to slow songs without crying. Couples don't piss me off (that much) anymore. I can flirt, dance and hook up with other guys without feeling guilty.

Okay, that isn't entirely true. I still do worry about Cody finding out sometimes, but I know he doesn't care. He doesn't love me. We're not going to be together again. I wasted a great deal of my youth and pushed away so many oppertunities just because I was worried about what an ex-boyfriend would think.

I'm curious to see how many days I'll be able to go without calling him. I do miss him, and I am curious about the little things - what classes he's taking this semester, how they're going, how track is going, where his next trip is. I do still love him, but maybe I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't know...

I'm scared about not being in love with him. It's another one of those weird transitions I'm hesitant to face. First, it was that a great deal of my life was spent with him, as his girlfriend. He was my first serious relationship and I lost my virginity to him. I could hardly let go of the fact that I wasn't his "girlfriend" after we broke up. In fact, just until a few months ago, I could admit that maybe I wasn't his girlfriend by technicality, but I believed I would always be his girlfriend, if that makes any sense. Facing the reality that no, I wasn't his girlfriend anymore, and yes, he has a new girlfriend that he is probably sleeping with was terrifying and heartbreaking and I think I changed a lot through facing it maturely (which I do believe I did, thankyouverymuch). I became a different person by at least accepting it, and creating a new life of my own, maybe even a new identity to some extent. New friends, new school, new classes, new interests. He's always telling me that we can't be together because he's changed so much, he's not the Cody I remember. I don't think he believes me when I say I have also changed a lot. He thinks I will never change.

I had a hell of a time re-creating myself, and I'm scared I'm going to have to do it again. Not being in love with Cody? Shannon's always telling me, Krista HELLO - you were a person before Cody, remember? We did things together before Cody, we had lives before Cody, you functioned normally before Cody. And I say, I know I did, I must have...but I don't remember.

Not being in love with him is going to change me, again. Since September 2000 I've been trying to get him back. I've been hanging on to every ounce of hope I can muster up, convincing myself that I am so positive we'll be together again. I thought it was meant to be, and I admit that sometimes I still do. It's a matter of finding a place where I can still date other people and be happy, no matter what my thoughts on Cody are.

It's just that I think I am finally realizing that Cody is a jerk. I judge every guy I meet against him, and I shouldn't. Cody wasn't a good guy, and I have to accept that. I don't want to marry him, because he never listened to me. He shied away from ever having a real conversation with me.

He knew I was scared and hesitant about leaving home. We actually did talk about that, and he promised me he'd be there for me and help me out. He pressured the hell out of me to live at SFU with him, and so I went, and wasted a lot of money on new stuff to move in with, plus used part of my scholarship for it. He broke up with me a week later, partly because he'd been thinking that he wanted to see other people. I asked him, why didn't you tell me when you started to feel this way? I don't ever want to be with a guy like that again. I need someone who can actually talk to me about what he's feeling.

He didn't treat me well, even though I always thought he did. It really makes me sad to think of how I idealize our relationship and make it sound normal. I actually feel as if I'm going to cry now. He really wasn't as perfect as I always thought he was.

I think he called me "his princess" because I wanted him to, because he thought that's what boyfriends should call their girlfriends...not because I actually was.

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