I believe that winter is trying so very hard to hold on to this city, with all of the coldness and the wind, but days like today are quite promising. The sun burned through the clouds at last and the air is so clean and cold it stings as it hits the back of my nose and throat. The sky is a piercing blue and the mountains look painted on, so beautiful, clear and precisely coloured that they must be the result of carefully blended oil paints. The evergreens in the foreground are so stark against the neon blue of the sky and the grey concrete of the school that they could be painted too, a genuine Bob Ross. Let's add a nice, big tree to the picture. A happy tree...I smoked a cigarette on my break today, even though I think cigarettes are disgusting and I don't smoke. I think I felt the need to be a real college student, that or I just wanted to feel cool. I've had one pack of Craven menthols in my bag for a long time, though I've probably only had three myself and the rest I've given to Anna when she wants. I don't like supporting her nasty habit, but I gave up the anti-smoking campaign a while ago. I finally realized nobody gives a shit, no matter how hard you try to get it through their heads.
After exposing my lungs to cancer-causing chemicals, I put out the rest of it with the chunky heel of my boot and came to write this, because something struck me today in Biology. Directly out the window, as if it was perfectly centered to be there, was the Canadian flag flying in the wind, against the perfect sky and mountains. For a moment I watched it blowing and it was as if it were in slow motion, like one of those American propaganda videos where the flag blows while patriotic music plays in the background.
Sometimes I forget that I live in Canada. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see an American girl, wearing clothing and makeup from American stores, eating American fast food, selling American brand names at work. I watch American TV shows, I listen to American music and I wish I'd had the experience of a typical American high school, with the cheerleaders and the football team and "prom" and SAT's and the freshman - senior categories. Sometimes I find myself calling my graduation "prom" like Americans do, because it is everywhere on TV and in the magazines. I stop myself mid-sentence and think, Why did I just call it my prom dress? I have never used the world prom in my life...
What distinguises Canada from the USA, besides stereotypes? Why I am living in "Canada" if it's a duplicate of the country below us? Whatever happened to Canadian culture?
I wish that in saying I am Canadian I am actually making a distinction, but am I at all? So we don't have the death penalty, which I am grateful for. But we've assimilated in so many important ways, I figure the term "Canadian" out here is somewhat of a technicality now. I live above the 49th parallel so I am Canadian...right?
Thousands of years from now, if humans still exist on this planet, I suspect that everyone will be American. Everyone will look the same from having bred with each other over and over again, everyone will speak English, and everyone will use the same currency.
What is it, exactly, to be Canadian here on the West Coast? When I visited my relatives on the East Coast, I was shocked by the difference. I could see it and feel it, because out there, there is a Canadian culture. There is music, and food, accents, French language, cities and churches that are hundreds of years old. The entire concept of Canada began back there, so what is the West? The West is American. British Columbia has a smidgen of Aboriginal influence left, but what is there beyond that when it comes to history? Gold rush settlers, a large Asian population, and an American dominated economy. We don't speak like they do in the East, we don't think like they do, and we are not proud like they are. If they are Canadian, we are not. We're just these incredibly lonely people who don't have a history or a culture of our own.
My grandparents are from the East, but I am not. I don't have their spirit, but more importantly I don't think I know how to. I love Vancouver for what it is, for it's diversity and flavour, but at the same time most of it is all so mainstream, so typical. I guess I can't say we have no culture of our own, it's just a very funny one, a very confused one that doesn't make any sense, and has stemmed from who knows where or when. It's a constant protest against Americanization, and we keep saying how Canadian we are, and how we're so obviously different from the people just half an hour South. I think we're between cultures, but nobody wants to turn to either side of the spectrum. It's this void no man's land, where we love Hockey Night in Canada, but we watch Friends. We love poutine, but order McDonalds. We appreciate Ashley MacIssak, but we listen to Britney and Ja Rule.
When I was watching the Canadian flag blowing outside of the window, it looked so foreign to me, and I replaced the maple leaf with stars and stripes. I wondered what had changed by doing so, but not a thing had changed. Both were so empty.
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