Shan and Meg came over this afternoon and we watched Selena again. I didn't feel awkward, but I did feel...as if something wasn't quite right. They laugh at things I don't find all that funny, and their attitudes are not on the same level as mine is. I try so hard to be friends with them still, because I really wish I could be. I try so hard to find what they're giggling about funny and I try to have fun when we're out together, but it always feels like a chore. It's like I'm sending myself out on a mission to pretend I am someone else for the next 5 hours.

So we're going out dancing tonight, even though I'm exhausted and the club is so very far away. I tried to shy away from it a couple times with the tired excuse, but Megan immediately responded with "No! You're coming out!". I do want to go dancing, I just don't feel like spending the night with people I'm self-conscious around. We're going with these three guys I went to high school with, who only knew me through me being Cody's girlfriend. They know I went crazy, and one of them actually made me cry and leave a party last fall when I was still really messed up. I'm not too fond of them, and I know they're not too fond of me, although we act like we're friends and give each other big hugs when we see each other, like Hey! I haven't seen you in sooo long! How are you? How's school?. Fuckers.

I'm nervous, and I hate feeling nervous. I haven't seen Matt in a very long time, and I've heard through other people that his dad had an affair and his parents split up over the summer. Matt is the only one of those guys I don't hold a grudge against, and maybe that is because I've liked him for as long as I can remember. I even wrote in his yearbook that I'd always had a crush on him, and then at prom he asked me to dance and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said thank you, and I was so happy for the rest of the night.

But that night seems like it was so long ago, and now when I see him I feel nervous and stupid. Being single again, and knowing he knows I have this enduring crush on him. I don't want to date him though, and I know he wouldn't date me anyway because I'm not Jewish. He's just so cultured! He acts, he sings, he dances well, he reads, he loves RENT (any boy who loves RENT is a friend of mine). He reminds me of Danny, actually. More than anything I'd just want to know him better.

Ever since I've know Matt, I've also heard he's gay. He actually had a big role in Tony & Tina's Wedding here a couple months ago. Who'd he play? The flaming gay brother-in-law, who comes out of the closet and makes out with his boyfriend in the middle of all the commotion. Lindsey went to go see it and she said it was the funniest thing in the world seeing Matt (who she's known since she was 3) kissing another guy.

How do I veer my interests away from gay men...

My hair is getting longer and I love it. I just caught my relection in the mirror and thought, I am so pretty.

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