Well I hardly remember my dreams from last night anyway. I probably would have remembered at 7:30 this morning, but it's now almost noon and I vaguely remember something about going to buy the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, and then the store being closed. There was a cute guy working in the store and I begged him to open the door for me, and he said he'd let me in only if I gave him my name and phone number, so I did, and got in and realized that the Moulin Rouge soundtrack was sold out.

I think there was a lot more to the dream beforehand but I don't remember it. I don't know why I would have dreamed (dreamt?) of Moulin Rouge. I already burned that soundtrack months ago. The only thing I can think of is Saturday when I watched Selena, I momentarily considered watching Moulin Rouge instead.

I feel kind of weird today. I've been thinking a lot about Cody for no reason. I'm paranoid that she's living at SFU with him, and if that's the case...I don't know. It'll just be the case I guess. I know that when next summer comes, he'll have used all of his alloted time on campus and will have to move out on his own somewhere. I can't stop thinking, what if he moves in with her?

So what if he moves in with her? I think it freaks me out because it's one step closer to a more-than-serious relationship, and that was something him and I had planned on doing until things got fucked up. Moving in together makes me think of marriage, and it's not just the fact that he's not marrying me - it's also that he's getting married before I am. Jealousy. I'm getting way too ahead of myself, I know. And I'm starting to stress about things like I used to. Things I have no control over, and that shouldn't affect me the way they do. I'm just so tired of talking myself out of everything.

It would be such a nice change if my instinctual feelings were the right ones.

I have a girl friend who is a self-proclaimed player. She goes out with guys, they fall madly in love with her, then she dumps them after six months. This is an actual rule she has - no longer than six months, especially if she's not seeing a future with them. Three or four of her ex-boyfriend's are still so in love with her that I bet they'd shoot themselves in the foot to have her back. They all wanted to marry her. Her and I talked about this just recently, because it boggles her mind - why do these guys fall so hard for her when she's a complete bitch to them? And she's not just saying that - this girl really is a bitch, big-time, not to mention she cheated on almost all of them. She said this to me the other day - "I just don't understand what's wrong with them, you know? It's like they enjoy the abuse".

At first we laughed and I thought, what kind of person would enjoy abuse, haha funny - then I realized how much emotional abuse I've been going through for the last year and how hung up on Cody I still am. Why do I still want to be with him when he treats me like dirt? I have no explanation for it.

Of course it has improved slightly. I grew a little more self-esteem and started trying to talk myself into believing he is a loser who doesn't deserve me, but you have to realize that it's all talk. I'm trying to make myself believe it, when deep down I still think we're supposed to be together.

I still don't know what's wrong with me.

I want to write a novel about my depression someday, and I want to start soon. I want to start while the feelings are still lingering in the back of my mind somewhere, and when I still remember certain events that I think I'll eventually suppress into my unconscious mind. Of course there are things I don't think I will ever forget. There are diary entries, especially from my real journal, that I'll be able to read when I'm 75 and all of those same feelings will hit me again. I can read my writing from a year ago and be thrown back in time. I do remember what it feels like to "go crazy", I just try to forget about it sometimes. When I try to forget, I claim that it feels so long ago and that I can't believe that person was me. When I get like I am now though, when I start re-living the past, I know that in truth it wasn't all that long ago, and that I do remember. And that girl is still in me, somewhere. I think I could unleash her again if I really, really wanted to.

I have ideas for my novel, like focusing on the five or six people who really turned my life around. I suppose the entire thing would be more like an autobiography, but starting at 15 instead of birth. The autobiography of my turbulent teen years. I wonder if a single person would want to read that?

It isn't even about other people reading it though, it's for myself. I just want to get on paper (or computer) every single memory I have about my depression. I want to record every feeling, what therapy was like, the medications, how people reacted to it. I want my suicidal days described in the most perfect way they can be, so that when I read it over I think, there is nothing more I need to add because that says it all.

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