I feel so melancholy today. The grayness, the rain. I just woke up, which is pretty unheard of for me. I've been sleeping so late for the last week or so, and it's reminding me of the mid-point of my "major depression" days. When I was entirely depressed at the beginning, I had severe insomnia. As I started taking medicine, my sleeping schedule changed from 3 hours a night to more like 11 or 12. I remember one time I slept for 15 hours, unprovoked. I'm not appreciating these flashbacks. I've been so sad for the last couple days, but I've been trying to hide it.
Last night I had bad dreams about Cody, the kind where I wake up with my heart racing and I feel like screaming or bursting into tears. All of them had Caroline in them, too. I haven't even seen her before, and I've never been told what she looks like. I just have this picture of her in my mind, and she'll forever look that way. I hate her so much. Two of my dreams involved physical fighting, one between Cody and I and one between Megan and I. Megan had said that Caroline and Cody looked better together than him and I did, and I got so pissed off I hit her.
I don't know what to do with myself, I'm so entirely frustrated with all of this. Between dreams, I wanted to so badly to call Cody and sob to him that I'm still so in love with him, even though I know he knows that. I'm always thinking that one day it will get through to him and he'll appreciate it.
Is it really sad that I can't stop thinking about what that Chinese psychic said to me a while ago? About how he would come back to me when I'm 20? I literally think to myself sometimes, it's okay, they're going to break up, because there are only six more months until I'm 20. I can hold on for six months.
Lately, my newest "thing" has been Pearl Jam. When I get into these moods I listen to Pearl Jam all day and think way too deeply about my life.
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man / She dreams in colour she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
For the last week, I've been so in love with him. He's all I'm thinking about. I just want to curl up in his arms, nuzzle his neck and feel him play with my hair and run his hands over my hips, and hear him tell me again that he loves me, that we're going to be together forever...
How could he lie to me like that?
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