Lack of purpose. I think the world could have survived without me today. I woke up at 1, just in time to watch ER from my cozy bed and satisfy my doctor dreams. I had a shower, got dressed, played on the internet, ate some junk food, and did absolutely nothing productive until 8pm - if you can call going to Jess' to watch Survivor productive. My reason for living today was to what, feed myself more calories and sit around on my fat ass watching TV and downloading music?

I'm so lonely. It's times like these I wish I had a boy that happened to be obsessed with me.

There was a lot I felt like writing about today, in particular how there's no doubt in my mind that I can see ghosts and that I have some minor form of ESP.

But I'd just rather wallow in self-pity for a while longer.

Last night I had a recurring dream three times in a row. I was 9 months pregnant with Cody's baby, living in this strange apartment that I guess was a figment of my imagination. I went into labour and drove myself to the hospital. I had no family at all, and was in an unfamiliar city, all alone in the hospital room. I called Cody from a phone by my side and I told him I was having the baby, and that I wanted more than anything for him to come to the hospital. He flat out said "No, I'm not going to" and I said, "Cody, please. This really means a lot to me, please" and he still said no. I started to cry and said, "Don't you want to be here when your son is born?" and he said "Not really. Krista, I've moved on, you're not my girlfriend anymore". It was like talking to a brick wall - I was crying and pleading with him forever saying, "Cody this is our baby, I want you to hold him, I want you to be a father, you can't just ignore this, I want you to be there to support him" and everything. Cody was silent for a minute, and I asked him if he was still there, and he sounded sort of choked up and said "Yes" and I thought in my dream, I'm getting through to him, he's feeling guilty. He said then that he'd "think about it" and we hung up the phone, and I knew he wasn't coming, and I cried.

I have a lot of pregnant dreams. This one was especially cool though, because in my dream I was running my hands over my belly, and it was if I could actually feel it. I was huge...

Due to the dreams, all I've been thinking about today is how badly I want a baby. I want to get married, have babies. I want to fall in love again...

<< || >>