My "older" link looks pretty lame now, but what can you do.

When people are bitchy to me, I have this automatic response to be bitchy back to them, but the thing is - I really like bitchy people. I really respect people who say what they think, and though it may seem as if I don't get along with them, I love them to death! There's nothing that gets me more excited than discussing something with someone who has an opposite opinion when I believe in my own ideas so strongly. I'm not talking about raging fights or anything, I mean controlled, intelligent conversation with someone who has a completely different outlook to the situation.

I was talking with Danny the other night for hours, literally, just about sex before marriage and abortion. It was so fulfilling. I've decided that with my next boyfriend, he is going to have to be one of those kind of guys I can talk to forever, and who actually enjoys having long, deep conversations. I'm thinking it may be hard to find a guy who just likes to sit around and talk, especially now that I just remembered - Danny is gay (well, not out of the closet, but I'm pretty convinced). Do any straight guys just like talking? I have never been able to talk to any guy like I can talk to Danny.

You know what Danny said he loves about me (and yeah he said loves)? My honesty. I thought that was really interesting, because that is not something I've ever been complimented on, ever. He said he absolutely loves how I speak my mind, how I'm "brutally honest", in his words. I've known for a while he has a thing for bitchy girls (not a "thing" sexually, he just likes people like that). And I'm exactly the same, I like bitchy people too.

I've been thinking about my best friends lately, and I realized just how honest all of us are with each other. I think that is what makes my friendship with them so much stronger than any other friendship I've ever had. Shannon and I hide everything from each other. Then there are my other friends who are so honest you'd think it'd be insulting, but it never once has. I'll be getting ready for a party, and ask Anna how I look. She'll turn around and without missing a beat - "You look like a slut". If anyone else said that to me I'd be pissed, but Anna? I look back at myself and either agree that I look like a slut and change, or say "thanks!" because half the time that's the look I was going for anyway. And we laugh about it, and that's that.

I've also been thinking about how attached I'm becoming to Danny, and mixing that around with the whole marriage idea. I get along so well with gay guys, I suppose because they're more like girl friends than your typical guy friends. I've been wondering, could I ever spend the rest of my life with Danny? Just for arguments sake, what if we decided to live together and get married, maybe even have children (probably with a lot of difficulty, but not impossible by any means). Could I handle that? I'm so attracted to his personality. Danny and I like the exact same music, the same movies, he's extremely smart, mature, funny, he's Catholic, and he lives for going out for coffee and talking for hours on end. He dreams of living a high class life of going to the opera and the theatre, drinking wine with his wife in the evenings and sending his kids to Catholic private school. That's Danny's ideal future - and it's exactly the same as mine.

But the fact that we're all pretty sure he is gay, and just so completely in denial even after admitting to a lot - could I spend the rest of my life without having a sexual relationship with my husband? I really don't know.

The thing is, I've just never met a straight guy who is half as amazing as Danny is. No, not even Cody. If I ever suggested sitting down to "talk" with Cody, he'd run in the other direction while I was mid-sentence. He never, ever wanted to talk about anything, and anytime we ever tried to just sit on the couch together doing homework or talking, it was like he couldn't go five whole minutes without trying to fool around with me, and if I said no not right now, he'd get all pouty and mad. Maybe it was a maturity issue. All I know is that no guy I have ever met seems to have analyzed everything to death like I have.

If I had the choice between two guys, one being gay and us having amazing conversations and loving each other just as soul mates, and the other being "in love" with me but just more...stereotypically male, which one do I want to spend my life with?

Here's the interesting part - sexually speaking, I love guys who are masculine and aggressive - which isn't what you'd imagine a gay man to be like. I'm not into girly men, I just want them to be able to talk, damn it! I want a strong, sexually aggressive dominating guy who at the same time is whipped by me and won't continue to be aggressive (at least not immediately) after I say no, who is Catholic and who loves asking me questions and answering questions and talking about God and history and controversial issues on a continual basis. Is that too much to ask? I don't even know if it is. I just know what I want, and so far, the one guy who lives up to it is missing the sexually aggressive factor. But am I okay with that?

I'm beginning to sort of wish I were a virgin. I've decided is that I'm not going to have sex again until I get married, or at least until...I don't know when but I'm really going to try for the whole marriage thing. After all of this church-going and being around Danny and a few bad experiences, the whole casual sex idea is sounding so incredibly wrong to me. I feel stupid saying that, because I always knew it was wrong but I didn't think it was bad. If you can't understand that, don't worry, I'm just working through that one myself. Maybe I'll come back to it tomorrow.

I think people are going to stop reading my diary because I write way too much everyday.

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