I'm entirely pissed off about tonight. I don't even feel like getting into it. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again - I just don't understand some of my friends, if I can even call them that. Perhaps I'm making too big a deal out of it, but...really. Sometimes I wonder how many of my friends are friends, or if they're just convenient for social purposes. It just feels like nobody gives a shit about my feelings anymore.

I was a complete bitch tonight, to my other friends who didn't deserve it, but I think it's excusable. They knew why I was mad, and they're pretty forgiving people, so whatever. They've known me throughout high school during my worst so it's not like it's some huge surprise. Sometimes I just feel like I'm better off being a bitch anyway. Everytime I make an attempt to be happy and nice it seems like people interpret that as me having a sign over my head reading "Hi, I'm here to be taken advantage of". I can't stand being a doormat like that. I crave control. This is making no sense considering I couldn't get any more doormat-like when it comes to trying to get Cody back, but...yeah. I just really don't feel like trying to analyze anything right now.

I feel bad for being so moody to my friends. I feel angry towards my other friends. I can't remember the last time I saw Danny, but it had to have been 2 or 3 weeks ago, at least. I feel so...alone.

Everyone's telling me to call this Chris guy. It's not like I have anything to lose - if he turns out to be a freak, or doesn't want to talk to me...it's not like I'm ever going to see him again (uugh, knock on wood). I'm just so scared! The thought of having a date with someone makes me want to hide under my bed or something.

Maybe it's the fact that we didn't get to know each other at all. For God's sake, it was a noisy club and he was attracted to my looks and my dancing. I know nothing important about him, and he knows even less about me. I guess that's what a date is for, isn't it? I'm so clueless when it comes to this. My only serious relationship stemmed off stupid high school gossip, the old "I heard he/she likes you, you two should go out" sort of thing. I mean, I really did have a huge crush on Cody and I was so, so happy when he asked me out, but to this day I've always suspected he only became interested in me after someone told him I liked him. That always bothered me.

The point I was trying to make is, before Cody and I spent any alone time together, I knew him well through our friends. I'd been out with him in groups before, and we went to school together, saw each other every day. His friends were my friends. This Chris guy...I've just never had an experience like this before. I'm so uncomfortable with the whole "dating" thing, you know? I need to know him first...I need to be at least a somewhat mutual friend or something.

I think I'm just reluctant because I'm nervous. It's new, and I'm just beginning to explore this whole new boyfriend thing. I'm still working on shaking the feeling that I'll hurt Cody if I like someone else, or that he'll find out and "give up" on those hidden feelings he has for me that I am so convinced exist somewhere inside of him.

I just really, really do not want to be hurt again.

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