This just never ends. I took Cody's card over to him, but gave myself a pep-talk first. If you didn't already know, I talk to myself all the time - and I really mean that. If I'm alone, I literally talk to myself out loud. So I said, Okay, let's think about this. I know Cody isn't going to let me stay so I can talk to him. I know he's just going to take the card, maybe say thanks, and that will be it. He may not even open the door all the way. He won't give me a hug, and he's not going to commit to any date in the future where we can spend time together. I'm not expecting a single thing, because I'd be making myself upset for no reason. I know the outcome of this, and I'm not going to expect anything more out of it than what I know is going to happen.

Everything went according to plan for about, oh, 10 seconds. Until I totally lost my self-control and began the "I really miss you"'s and asking him for a hug. I feel like such an idiot now, after I was so close to convincing him I really wanted to be just friends. I'm such a dork. It was like my crazy self suddenly re-emerged and I began the whole "I thought you cared about me" thing I used to say to him a year ago. He said our lives are very different now, as if that means we're not allowed to talk to each other or something. I just don't understand, and I don't feel like trying to. He doesn't care about me. The entire situation is just one fucking huge lost cause.

What I want to know is how I'm able to acknowledge that but still want him so much, and still write him Christmas cards that I know won't change a single thing. I don't even know what I feel anymore. Some days, I can go as far as picturing him having sex with his girlfriend and honestly, I don't even care. Then other days, the very mention of him or her name makes me feel this rage inside, and I want to just cry and cry.

I cried for about a minute today over him. It was probably about a minute, maybe even less, maybe 45 seconds. I walked away from his house after basically being told that No, we probably wouldn't see or talk to each other at all for the rest of the time he's home, and No, we probably wouldn't see each other during the new year, and No, he wouldn't make time for me during the year to hang out sometime. It's really just one big NO when it comes to Krista and Cody. He said, "No, Krista...you're not my girlfriend anymore" and I said, "I know that", but I don't even know if I do. It's been over a year, and I still expect him to call me around dinner time. If I see a preview for a movie I know he'd love to see, I expect him to go with me if I ask him to. When I see him online I wait for him to message me with "hey baby" first, and if he doesn't I think, what's taking so long?

I'm always waiting. It's like this big game in my mind, where I think that one day out of nowhere, like magic, he'll call me and want to see me. He'll tell me he misses me, and when I say "I love you" before we hang up he'll say "I love you, too" again and everything will just revert back to the way it was. I won't even ask any questions, I'll just wake up one day, and he will be my boyfriend again, and it'll be like nothing ever changed.

I feel like I'm going to cry again. I'm just so sick of this. Now all I can think about is him, and I haven't felt like this for at least a couple months. I can't even explain what it is, but it's just that old...longing for the past, I guess. Missing him as a boyfriend again, wanting to feel his arms around me, wanting to smell him and kiss him, and hear him call me all those names he had for me that nobody else understood.

I want to be over this. I don't want to be in love with him. I don't want to cry over him anymore, I need to take a course called "How To Get Over Your First Love 101" or something. I just don't understand what there is that I can do anymore! Everyone always said, just give it time, and that time heals all wounds...what the hell is wrong with me? I've given it time, I've given him space, I've tried to be so, so good this year, and I'm still not over it.

My two favourite songs at the moment are Lovin' Me by Nelly, and You Got It Bad (Remix) by Usher. That last one has to be the remix, not the original. Very good songs to blast as you cruise around with your best girl friends on a clear night, smoking menthols out the windows, pretending you're hardcore.


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