The mall is so infuriating. Don't get me wrong, I am a full-fledged shop-a-holic and I usually spend ridiculous amounts of money, but Christmas is just so...uuugh. I hate it. I hate everything about this season! It's too busy, too stressful, too ideal love-y, too obligating (obligatory?), too...sad! It's depressing as all hell. Plus I had to walk past this children's choir singing "Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel" about four times (need I remind you? The song from my satanic dream).

Oh, and I dreamt last night that I'd see Shannon, Megan and Cody together in the mall, and guess what? Yeah. I was pretty pissed off, even though I shouldn't have been because they're his friends too, but I'm such a jealous bitch that it still made me want to smash things. So I wasn't too happy after that, especially later when Jess and Carmen had left and I had an hour and a half of alone time until my nail appointment. I paged Megan twice to meet up with me somewhere, Shannon once, and I called Cody's cell. Meg and Shan never called me back, and Cody hung up on me! Okay he probably didn't, I think his cell phone cut out, but still. He picked up the phone and said, "Hello?" and I said "Hey, are you guys still at the mall?" and there were a few moments of silence and then the phone hung up. I started to cry for like, two seconds until I talked myself into believing that his phone was dead. I called back twice after and it went straight to his voice mail so...whatever. It turns out they were in a movie anyway. Fuck it.

In seven hours, I bought a CD for my mom and a shirt for myself. Oh, and I got my nails done and went to lunch. Basically, I accomplished nothing, plus saw my ex who looked so, so good. That made me so angry too! For the longest time Cody was growing out his hair and it looked horrible and I always thought, well at least he can't do his hair or dress himself properly without me. But today he was wearing this really cute white hat and I said, "Your hair is short!" and he took off his hat and it was like, the perfect length I always liked his hair at and he said, "I need to get it cut again soon", and I said, "What happened to growing it out, it was so long before!" and he was like, "Yeah, it got in my eyes when I was running". Why does he have to look so good? Probably because he has another girl in his life to keep him in line. I feel like killing something.

This is so incredibly selfish but I just have to say, part of the reason I hate Christmas so much is going to the mall for the sole purpose of buying things for everyone but myself. I can't stand it. I love buying people presents, but it's different if it's a birthday, or a surprise gift because you really want to buy them a present - like I said before, Christmas is so obligating! It's a totally different feeling when I go to the mall thinking, you know I really want to buy Shell something cute to cheer her up...when it comes to Christmas, it's like, here's a checklist of the 15 closest people to me that are going to expect I buy them something just because they have some sort of relation to me. I fully believe in giving gifts to the people you love, but...doing it all at the end of the year in a mad rush just because of some totally commercialized holiday is so wrong. I can't be at the mall without treating myself to something, hence the shirt. It's really cute anyway, with stripes and 3/4 sleeves and a white collar. So I'll wear it tonight to Kits pub and I'll feel pretty and who fucking cares if I spent my Christmas shopping day pampering myself.

While I'm in the mood to scream and bitch and be a baby about everything, church last night pretty much confirmed my suspicions that I'll be going somewhere after I die, but it aint Heaven. The priest totally freaked out about how only two people went to confession before the Mass and he went on this tirade like, "Doing drugs is a sin. If you have done drugs in the last few days, you have committed a sin. If you have watched a pornographic movie or viewed pornography in a magazine, or on the interent, that is a sin. If you have had sex before marriage, with a man or woman, that is a sin" and it went on and on, about how we were turning our backs to God and disgracing him. So that made me feel sort of shitty. Dammit, whatever happened to church making me feel like I was doing something right?

We spent a great deal of time today smelling about two million different colognes for Jess to buy her dad, and in the meantime found a solid five or six that were "perfect boyfriend" scents. I'm a huge fan of cologne, I mean I love hugging a guy, and finding when you come that close to him that he smells so good. So we ended up going nutty and spraying about twenty different pieces of paper to carry around with us for the rest of the day. I smell like men's cologne now, but it's so great. Makes me feel like I've just been cuddling with a really good smelling guy and my sweater smells like him. Mmmmmm.

My favourite smell of all time is Hugo, which is what Cody used to wear. My mom bought my brother Hugo for Christmas this year, and I am so angry. If my brother ends up walking around my house smelling like Cody all the time, I am really not going to be okay with that.

I just realized, it's the 17th, so it would have been our, uh [calculates in head], 3 years and 1 month anniversary today.

I am the hugest dork.

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