I don't know what to do anymore. I've been fighting off the tears all day, and tonight after church I just lost it. I bawled all the way home in the car and I haven't stopped since. I just don't know what to do. I can't stop myself from missing him. I don't know what to say to myself to make it stop. I don't know how to handle the pain. I can't help but think of anything but him, his voice, how I wish I could call him, how I want to spend time with him, how I want him to hold me. I want to kiss him and sing to him, and I want him to tickle me, and when I fall asleep at night I want him there beside me, cuddling me. I want to lay in bed with him like the last time we layed in bed together, facing each other, staring into each others eyes, and he played with my hair and I told him how much I loved him. Things were rough. He had told me earlier in the day that he wasn't sure if he wanted to break up or not, and that he was going to think about it. So he went for a long walk, and thought about it, and came back to my room later, and told me he didn't want to, that he wanted to try again, that he loved me too much and our relationship meant to much to him to end just like that. He asked if I wanted to sleep over and of course I did. If I had known it was going to be the last time we slept together I would have made it so much more special. Everything would have been different.

On the night I told him about Jeff, the night we broke up, I had a class starting at 7 p.m. and had to leave. I was crying and wasn't going to go, but he told me to go, that he wanted me to leave anyway so that he could think. I hugged him, and he barely hugged me back, and I kissed him and he didn't kiss back. I looked at him and saw that he was crying. I will never, ever forget the look on his face and in his eyes right then. I had never seen him so angry with me. I asked, "Is this the last kiss I'll ever get?" and he said, "I don't know".

I want to just curl up in a ball and never move, ever again. I want to just sit in a corner and cry and not exist. I don't want anyone looking at me. I don't want anyone acknowledging my presence. I want to disappear. I want to forget I am a person at all.

I have a test on psychological disorders tomorrow which I expect to do quite well on, and rightly so. Anyway, one of the disorders we learned about was Dissociative Amnesia. I really wish I had that. If I couldn't remember a single thing about Cody's existence, that would be a good thing. As Anna always says, anytime I say his name - "Cody? Cody who? Krista, why do you keep makin' up names like that?!"

What am I supposed to do? I am trying so hard to do this. I am trying so hard to be strong and to live day to day, to survive through it all and lead a normal life. I try so hard not to let my emotions control me. But when I feel the way I do now, I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much it is unbearable. I can't stop loving him, I can't stop wanting him, no matter what I try. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him. I can pretend to be okay, and I can try so hard not to cry and pout all of the time...and then comes a day like this, where I feel like I just can't go on anymore. I can't keep living a lie. If I love someone, shouldn't I be with them? This isn't going away. It's been almost a year and three months, and this isn't going away.

Why am I still in love with him? How can I love a guy who doesn't return the love to me? How can I love a guy who can barely stand my suggesting we be friends?

I feel like I am at a complete loss, with everything. Nothing is working. Writing isn't working. Church didn't do a single thing for me. If anything it made me feel worse. Instead of praying to God to make my life better again, I should be thankful for the strength I do have. I know well enough that nobody can help me besides myself. And yet, I still put all this pressure on God to fix my life for me. I say, Please, please bring him back. I will do anything. I will not ask for a single thing for the rest of my life, if I can just be with him.

And now, a good friend of mine is saying he is going to kill himself tonight, that his gun is loaded. I don't have his number and can't call him. He's offline now and I can't do a single thing but pray. So I got down on my knees and said, "God, please give _______ the strength to make the right decision tonight, please help him to have the courage to make it through this." Now I am crying uncontrollably, because I know how it feels to be at that lowest point, when you feel like you're doing the world a favour by leaving. I also know that when you're that low, hardly anyone can help you out of it. I try to do and say the right things for him, but I can't. I wish I could, but all I can do now is cry and worry, and wonder why so many young people have to go through this. Wonder why I had to, and still do, go through this.

Jasmine has a cyst on her ovary and has to get it removed and tested for cancer. She'll probably have to get the entire ovary taken out as well, and if she has ovarian cancer, then who knows what will happen. I cannot believe that the smiling, hyper, cute girl I saw jumping around, drinking and screaming just a couple weekends ago is now in the hospital, crying her eyes out because she's afraid she won't be able to have kids. It scares me to no end, because her and I are so alike in that way. Our ultimate dream is to get married, have babies. To have that crushed in a matter of a second is so unfair. It is so unfair that a 19 year old girl have a cyst on her ovary. She has to lie perfectly still all day, because they cannot remove it for another week I think, and if the cyst bursts before then she may die. Jasmine can't die. She is too beautiful and too good a person to have this happen to her.

Why is everything falling apart? Why now, when I need to study, when I need to write my essay, when I need those grades so I even have the chance of being able to transfer? Why during Christmas, when I am forced to see family and act happy?

I wish my tears would amount to something. I am crying and crying, and crying, and I wish it was for a cause. If I could collect all of my tear drops and somehow make use of them, it'd be a good thing. If I could change them into smiles or hugs and send them to all my friends. I wish that my pain would help another person. So that I would know, I am not suffering because I deserve it or because I'm stupid, or because I am delusional. If only my friends who are in need could take my pain and transform it into love and happiness.


<< || >>