I called Cody last night. Don't bother telling me I'm an idiot because I know. It was okay. We talked for a while, or should I say I talked for a while and he said, "yeah", "uh huh", "huh" and "I see". There were a few brief, shining moments that made the conversation achieve the level of "okay" and not "a complete disaster", and I actually would have been alright if he'd not been a dick near the end. It got to the point where I said, "What is your problem, you're being an ass", and he didn't really respond to that. Maybe he's having problems with his bitch. Or maybe I was annoying the hell out of him and he just wanted me to shut up already.What bothered me about it all was that he said he doesn't understand why I still want to be his friend, or even talk to him at all, and I don't understand why he would think I wouldn't want that. And when it comes to explaining it, we're both like, "I dunno". I told him that I know it is an awkward situation, and he agreed, and I said I understand how he feels. He asked me, "Krista, do you really want to just be friends?", and I thought about it and said, "yes..." and he said, "I'm thinking you have ulterior motives." Well, obviously. I explained to him for the billionth time that I'll always love him, but he wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend, and I don't want to lose someone who was so important in my life. I think that he wishes we could be friends, but knows me well enough to know that no matter how "friendly" I promise things will be, what I really want is to get back together. Smart boy.
After we hung up, I went to run a bath and cry for the next couple mintues. I was so disappointed that I was upset enough to actually cry, so I decided to be strong for the rest of the night, until I realized that all I was doing was holding all of the anguish in and that it was eating away at me. As soon as I turned out my lights and rested my head on the pillow, I burst into tears, and cried for a few more mintues. I guess I fell asleep because I don't remember anything after that.
Repeat process in two weeks time.
While we're on the topic of me being an idiot, I never did finish my medicine for my rib, and now I'm beginning to feel a tightness in my chest again. Maybe if I psych myself out of it, it will go away.
There are things I want to do with my life, but they seem so far out of reach. I've wanted to be a doctor forever, but I know that at this point, the workload would be incredible. I'd have to go back and do my high school equivalents of Chem and Physics before I even started the preliminary college work.
And so I just watch ER and dream of the possibility.
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