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we're just...here
November 13, 2001 4:44 p.m.

People everywhere are staring off into space, as if they don't know who or where they are anymore. The glazed look in everyone's eyes screams indifference, confusion, helplessness, boredom with the everyday routine. Everyone is thinking that they have no choice in the matter.

A boy hangs off the railings in front of the student union, under misty rain and high winds, smoking his cigarette in a blase sort of fashion, and fixing his gaze out at the mountains. The gaze holds as if time has just stopped, and the cigarette still burns between his fingers, delicate smoke twirling up and around with the wind.

Down to the basement of the library I go for warmth and silence, so that I can write away my woes of the day. Puffy eyes are staring blankly at textbooks, heads are lying on desks in an act of defeat. Cubicles are good for privacy down here, for sleeping on your notes, or writing about the people around you. I don't think anyone here minds being spied on. Nothing matters once you realize that you yourself do not matter.

I've felt somewhat angry today. Dreams of him have haunted me for the last couple nights, and I woke up this morning with the familiar heaviness in my chest. I got out of bed, because I am robotic now. I know I have to do it, or else I will be spending another year walking in circles and tripping over myself.

I force myself out of bed, so I can pretend that I feel alive. I used to look at my surroundings, and I'd only see happy people. I felt as if I were depressed and trapped in a world of carefree people with perfect lives who didn't understand a thing I was going through. But right now, I am seeing the truth. Lonely eyes and tired faces. Dragging walks, deep sighs, deflated hearts. Absent-minded fixing of hair in the bathroom mirrors. Girls stare at themselves and get lost in their own reflections, watching their faces change from a once smiling and beautiful girl into a pale and tired life form, until they remember where they are and what they were doing, then reach into their purses to smear on lip gloss and smack their mouths. Nobody drinks enough water, and everyone is hungry. Everyone is trying to please someone else, and God knows why.

Nobody knows what they're here for. Staring into Poli Sci and Anthro textbooks just isn't working for us. Searching the shelves for History research isn't either, and even Shakespeare is no longer convincing. Our grades do not reflect our intelligence. I just got a B on that Psych test I deserved an F on. It was multiple choice. A few lucky guesses, and I'm a smart girl again. What was the midterm on? Don't remember.

How many of you wish you weren't here right now, wish you were at home in bed crying, or maybe even dead? How many people in this basement study area have tried to kill themselves? How many find themselves gazing into nothing, or forgetting where they are? Are you a robot, too? Are you going through the fuctions of daily life because you need to survive? Do you want to just start all over? Or more importantly, do you know how to...

It is a dark, windy, rainy day in Vancouver today, and everyone is depressed.


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