A couple of hours later, and I am writing again. Something has come over me in the last couple hours and I just feel like bawling my eyes out. I miss him so much, and everything just feels wrong. It doesn't help I've been listening and singing to the song Lately by Divine for the last hour.

Have you ever felt a breeze hit hard / Like the wind was blowing it apart / As you're spinning like a merry-go-round / Indications of a storm touching down / Wish that I could weather any storm / But I guess it was heart break from the norm / Was a day I will always remember / The saddest day in sweet November...

Shit.

I've come to the conclusion that the key to survival is being capable of talking yourself out of everything. I really, honest to God believe that. Everything in life is so psychological, it's completely perceptual, it is all in your head. You need to know how to be able to realize that it really is all in your head so that you can control anything you're feeling, and if you can't do that, you go crazy. When I start to feel shitty, I need to talk out loud. I need to say to myself, Kris, stop. Just stop. Don't think about it. You're psyching yourself out.

Or sometimes, just screaming "Fuck him! Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him! FUCK!" over and over helps, too. I also have another theory that the word fuck is the greatest word in the English language. It's just so great. Everything about it is angry and dirty and just...fuck. Fuck this, fuck that. Fuck him, I don't give a fuck. Fucking asshole. Fuck it all to hell. Fuck, whatever.

My lighter isn't working so I cannot light my candles, and that is pissing me off. Everything just makes me want to cry. I'm not hungry, and the plate of dinner sitting in front of my makes me want to bawl my eyes out. I'm tired and just want to get into bed, but it's not even 6 p.m. and I have a midterm tomorrow. I want to disappear but, well that isn't happening.

I'm being overly emotional when I don't need to be. I don't know what my problem is. It's a combination of things, but I think that the upcoming season has a lot to do with it. My plan this year is to completely forget about Christmas altogether, until I'm forced to attend a family function. Christmas is one single day out of the year. One day. After December 25, Christmas is over. I'm used to building the holiday up for weeks, getting ready, doing Christmas-y things with him. No, no, no. I used to reserve the week before Christmas for Christmas-oriented celebrations and events, but this year I am not even going there. I don't know how I'm going to "ignore" the upcoming day when I'm surrounded by Christmas lights on houses and Christmas trees and decorations and carols and the damn mall being decorated like Christmas, and knowing that Cody is home for the holidays and at his house a couple blocks away from me, but I cannot spend time with him. I will never drink hot chocolate with cinammon on it again, because that's our drink. I can't look at Christmas trees without thinking about sex under the Christmas tree. I hate this fucking holiday.

I need to stop thinking about this, right now. Right at this moment, this will end. I am not thinking about Christmas. I am not thinking about Cody. No, no, no.

I was trying so hard not to cry, but then listened to Beauty and the Beast and that almost did me in. I don't know what it is about that song, and the scene that plays out in my head along with it. Twirling around in a yellow princess dress, realizing the soft spot in the handsome prince (sorry, no beast) and falling in love with him. I can just imagine that huge ballroom floor in the castle, lit by the surrounding candles. Fairy tale dreams.

I wouldn't mind being chased by scary dogs in the forest and ending up at a dark and gloomy castle with a beast who was keeping my father prisoner if I could just live out that dance scene.

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