We used to walk a lot on our dates, because neither of us could drive yet. We'd walk to the coffee shop and hang out there, until it was almost time for me to be home, and then we'd take the long way through the park, walking around in the dark, making footprints in the frost, and later, angels in the snow.

On our third or fourth time out together, I didn't want to go home yet, I wanted to stay with him longer, and so we stopped at the old playground and sat on the swings. I remember everything about that night so clearly, how cold the chains were even through our gloves, how frost covered the slides, how we could see our breath against the black of the night. As we finally got up, he held me close and my heart was racing; I wanted him to kiss me so badly, and he did. And those moments, they were perfection. I cannot remember feeling so happy and in love as I did right then, as we started making out in the middle of a playground, when the forecast called for snow it was so cold outside, and he touched my rosy cheeks and told me how much he liked me. I remember the way he tasted, and the feel of his tongue on mine. I had never, ever felt that way about a boy before, and it was as if I were floating. I couldn�t feel anything but my smile and couldn't think of anything but Cody...Cody.

Later on in the month, on another cold, frosty night we walked around a different park, one further from our homes. It began to snow over the already snow-covering the ground, and it was great snow, the kind that can be molded into snowballs and snowmen in an instant. In the spur of the moment, we spotted a patch of hills and found some cardboard boxes, and slid down the hills on flattened pieces of cardboard, competing with each other, seeing who could slide the fastest, or at least make it half way down without totally wiping out. I had never laughed so hard in my life, and when we slid off together and got all tangled up, he rolled over on top of me, looked into my eyes, told me how beautiful I looked with snowflakes in my hair. He kissed me. It was one of those moments you never thought would happen to you, only in the movies. Soft, perfect snow falling, and oops, cute boy just happens to land right on top of you, and you fall in love with him as he looks into your eyes, and right at that moment the world is standing still. There is no vision, no sound, no concept of time, because all you see, hear, think and feel are his eyes, his hands, his lips.

Soaking wet and freezing cold after the escapades on the hill, we walked back, past the church and Mary's halo of lights shining, past the coffee shop, and back through un-trudged snow to his house. It was a Friday night, so my usual curfew didn't apply, and I was allowed to stay with him a couple of hours longer. He brought me clothes to change into, sweatpants and a t-shirt that smelled like him, and I love his smell to this day. Sometimes I swear I smell it out of nowhere. I'll be doing homework, and it will smell like Cody, or I'll be driving, and everything is Cody, all over again.

We cuddled together on the couch and drank hot chocolate sprinkled with cinnamon, and we kissed and touched, and I almost felt like crying when I had to leave. My parents car was it his house so that I could drive it home, with my new license.

"Will you call me when you get home, so that I know you got home okay..."
"I will", I said. The driving distance between our houses is about 2 minutes.

I called him, and we talked on the phone in bed, in the dark, and he told me he missed me already, and how it was crazy to miss someone he'd just seen an hour ago, but it was true. He said that after I'd been laying on his chest for so long, his sweatshirt smelled of my hair, and because of that, he was sleeping with his sweatshirt.

Being sixteen and in love was an amazing feeling. The only way I can relive it is to write about it here. When I miss him, I write about him, any memory I can possibly think of about our time together. It may be that I am bringing up things I should not be thinking about anymore. It may be I'm only making this harder on myself, mourning the past so much, but I just don't want to forget. I never, ever want to forget the feeling of his hands, of his voice, of the way we spoke on the phone, of the way we cuddled, the things we did together, the times he made me feel so happy I thought I was on top of the world.

November is Cody, our month. Our anniversary would have been in a couple of weeks.

November. Today the sun was shining, but there was a crispness in the air, a kind of cold that numbs your hands and ears, turns your cheeks pink, and makes you wish you were in his arms again, sipping hot chocolate and feeling his kisses against your cheeks. When the snow starts falling and is caught on my hair, I will cry, and I will wonder,

Cody...do you still think I am beautiful?

<< || >>