Tonight we visited the house of his Confirmation sponsor and had a little presentation sort of thing on St. Thomas Aquinas College in Santa Paula, California; it's a private Catholic school. The reading list is unbelievable, I was totally blown away - there is no way I'd have the discipline to attend that school. Not to mention $15,000 USD a year for tuition. Anyway, it really was impressive. It's rated #3 by the American College Guide or something, in their lists for best liberal arts colleges in the United States. I felt as if I was being offered a chance at Harvard. Well, it's not like I plan on moving to California just to attend this school for four years that would only get me the equivalent of the Bachelor of Arts. But I must say, I'd be damn smart after attending. They teach entirely using the Socratic method, with no textbooks - ONLY the originial works, starting with Plato and Aristotle, and of course the Bible. Blake's Confirmation sponsor, Kate, actually graduated from there. I was surrounded by superiourly intellectual Catholic people, sitting in a living room where the central focus on the wall was a crucifix, not to mention a framed portrait of Jesus. Filling the bookshelves were huge books with titles like, "The Book of Jesus" and "Roman Catholic Theology" and "A Guide to True Catholicism", plus all of St. Thomas Aquinas' works. One of the men there even pulled out his theory proving the existence of God to show me. It was a wee bit intimidating. But everyone seemed to love me, probably because I was the only young, pretty blonde girl there who they thought looked naive and desperate enough to believe in something that I'd be an easy victim. How right they are.

This has nothing to do with anything above, but I just have to say THANK YOU to Kim for introducing me last year to the SNL Valentine's Day Take-offs by Jimmy Fallon. Everytime I listen to them I laugh my ass off:

"It's three-o-clock in the mornin' / A wasted Valentine's night, right / My ex-girlfriend's getting a phone call tonight... / I've got tequila in me / (Don't hang up) / It's your ex-boyfriend Jimmy / (I am drunk) / Had six Long Island iced teas / I love you, won't you come back to me please?"

I really wish I could use that one on Cody. Not that I could ever call him at 3 in the morning, he'd absolutely kill me. And if I were drunk that'd be completely not cool. That just reminded me of a night last year, Cody and I had only been apart probably for like, 2 months, and Rhonda and I got completely hammered. We both drank a mickey each of Vodka, straight, and then left messages on Trevor and Cody's voice mails. We must have sounded like the hugest idiots. I don't even remember what I said. I think we tried to insult them somehow but it probably came out as more of a garbled laughing mess.

Gotta love those nights you can't remember. Aw, now I miss Rhonda.

You're probably thinking, Krista, you sound so much happier than you did earlier today, what happened? Okay. So around 5:30 p.m. I had just finished writing in my journal (real one) and I basically collapsed on my bed and cried and couldn't stop. Then, I'm telling you - my whole brain theory kicked in. All of a sudden, something snapped, and I just had to get up and save myself. So I had a mad desire to do the whole Cody-box thing, and I did it. I cried and cried, putting away his graduation picture and every single picture on my wall that had him in it (which were like, half of them at least). Then Michelle called, and told me how proud she was of me and how awesome it was I was doing it. The last thing left in my room (besides my stuffed animals) were the dried roses. I've had them forever, I mean, half of them were probably from Gr.11, that is how old they were. So I asked her, "Chelle...do you think I should just throw them away..." and she completely convinced me to chuck them. I cried and cried and said, "I can't do it, I just can't do it", and she literally yelled at me, "KRIS, DO IT! Do it NOW. THROW THEM AWAY, PICK THEM UP AND THROW THEM AWAY!". So I screamed as I threw them all in the garbage, then I picked them up again and said, "Well what if I just keep one..." and she yelled, "NO! You do not keep one! You crush ALL OF THEM", and so I snapped all of the stems and crushed them into the trash. I was bawling as I did this, and thought, oh my God, what have I done...

But in the end, I sort of feel lighter. It's very strange. Now when I look up from the computer, there is a framed picture of Shannon and Megan from our Mexico trip. Right above my bed, I framed a picture of me, Chelle and Anna from just a couple weeks ago. My entire board on my wall does not contain one single picture with him in it. My roses are gone, which I'm still a little pained about, but I kept my corsage from Grad (of course). So that is my flower-reminder of him. I do still sleep with two of the stuffed animals he gave me. Can't part with them yet.

So Cody is hardly a part of my bedroom anymore, and I really do think the entire box-thing helped. As long as I don't go bringing out the box again in a moment of weakness and putting his pictures back up. Oh, God help me.

By the way, I know the bitch's name now, and aren't my instincts so great? As soon as he told me, I immediately thought of the name of this girl I had overheard his friend talking to him about in the summer. So that made me completely spazz, write in the journal and then do the box-thing. Anyway, I was right, obviously. It's her. I knew it. I hate knowing things like that.

I can do this, I am strong, I can do this.

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