This morning was painful. I woke up at 8 in the morning, and immediately felt the heaviness sink into my chest. I grabbed a hold of my necklace and whispered, "I am strong. God loves me. I am strong, I can do this, I am strong..." for a few mintues until I fell asleep for another ten and woke up from nightmares about Cody. My hand was still clasping my necklace, so I repeated the process. This went on for the next four hours, the nightmares, the praying. I couldn't get out of bed, and as soon as I did I felt as if I was going to throw up, surprise surprise. So I went to the bathroom and layed there for a bit until I had the energy to get up and wash my face.

So now it's 2 in the afternoon, I'm still in my pajamas, sipping now cold chamomile tea, listening to Dave Matthews. I need to get out of here. I think I'll go down to Library and pick up a book and start reading. Or I'll bring my journal and sit on their couches and write for a while.

I hate feeling like this. I feel so heavy again, so heavy I cannot move. I have put so much burden on myself that I cannot lift off of me. So much pain, so much self-punishment, so much torture. I know I shouldn't be sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but I don't know how to do anything else. I'm just so...sad. And I can't make it go away.

Depression is such an evil disease. It invades every cell in your body, takes you over until you cannot think, see or hear anything but its curses. It lays thousands of pounds upon you, covers your eyes from the sun, fills your eyes with tears, and you swear your heart is ripping apart, gushing blood, severing into millions of pieces you'll never, ever be able to put back together. All of the haphazard stiches I tried to sew my heart up with are fraying and snapping; everything is oozing out again, invading my body again. I have to reach back inside, pick up all the tiny pieces of myself, and again try to piece them together. I think I rushed myself through it last time, I convinced myself it was over, so I shoved the remaining shatters back wherever they fit, like a young child shoving puzzle pieces together that do not match. I have no patience for things that I am so close to completing but yet so far. For things I can reach just around the corner, but getting around that corner is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I just want to give up sometimes. I don't want to face the pain of getting around that corner because I am so afraid it will ruin me. I don't want to feel anymore. I just want to disappear.

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