Cody has a girlfriend. I think I'm going to kill myself.

Okay, starting at the beginning. I couldn't breathe this afternoon so I went to the doctor and she thinks I have some sort of inflamation in my chest. I had to work right away, so after being prescribed medicine, I got in the car and started driving. The pain grew so bad that I couldn't breathe, think, hear - nothing. I was literally gasping for air, and all I could do was gasp because the pain was so bad I couldn't take a deep breath. I stumbled into the store and gasped, "M-m-mike...I can't...stay here" and I started bawling. My mom came and picked me up because I couldn't drive home. I left Mike there, having to work a 12 hour shift. I felt awful about that.

Mom almost drove me to the hospital, but I didn't want to go and have to sit for 2 hours in agonizing pain before anyone looked at me. I just wanted to go home and take the medicine. So Mom drove me home and went off to fill my prescription. Very slowly, I propped up some pillows and got into a position where I could breathe with the least amount of pain. I layed there and closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing.

Medicine started to kick in about an hour later, and I felt well enough to turn my body a little bit and watch TV. I even got my Mom to bring me my school work so maybe I could study. Michelle called, and we talked for a little while. It was the creepiest thing, because she has felt depressed as hell for the last couple days and so has Danny. She's been wanting to die too, and today, she was coughing and coughing so much that she began throwing up, so she went to the doctor and was told she has an inflamation in her chest. What are the chances of that?

About two seconds after getting off the phone with her, I felt well enough to actually get up. So I went to the computer and went online on MSN, and Cody was online. I didn't talk to him because I was trying to be strong, as the last time we talked on Monday is when I had the breakdown. But he sent me a message. And it was, "I'm sorry I was being mean to you the other day".

So that was quite nice and I told him all I wanted was to be his friend and I was sorry if I had made him angry. And he said, "You don't wanna be my friend now". Right at that moment I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut, because I suspected why he would say that. I always told him I could never be his friend if he had another girlfriend because frankly, I'd want to kill myself, or her, or both. So he told me he had a girlfriend, and that he remembered he had promised me he'd tell me if that ever happened, so he felt he had to tell me because that is what I wanted. If any of that made sense.

I just ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

I don't feel like reliving the next hour after that, so I'll sum it up (down) to this: I freaked out, called Michelle, talked to her for about 10 seconds before she had to hang up for some reason, called Megan and talked to her for a while, and now I am on here plotting my suicide.

I can't do this anymore. My worst nightmare in the entire world just came true. I cannot believe this has just happened to me.

I need to die. I don't want to hurt my family and friends but I just need to. Everything is just...over. I can't do this anymore. This is the end of the struggle. I can't live everyday in pain anymore, or pretending I am not in pain. I cannot bear to wake up one morning more and dread looking at the clock, dread realizing it is the next day and I am still alive and there are things I have to do. I just cannot do it. I cannot bear to be a part of this world where everyone is living and moving and breathing and they're smiling and they're happy, and I can only watch them live their lives. I am permenently lost. I'm stuck at a place and there is nowhere to go, but down, down into the the pit of nothingness. I would rather jump than remain stuck.

I just want to thank everyone who ever cared about me, who took the time to listen to me and talk to me. To everyone who was interested in my existence. It helped me get through a lot of bad times. Right now, I just don't think anything will help me. I'm beyond anything right now. I'm beyond. I am living in my worst nightmare, right at this moment. This, this is Hell. This is it. I have nowhere to turn anymore.

I'm going to jump off a bridge, because I've always wanted to float.

Goodbye.


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