To make a long story short, I talked to Cody, and he told me he didn't want to be with me at all, ever, and that he wants me to let go already. He told me I am part of the past and that that part of his life is closed now, and he is a different person, and just wants to move on. There was more than that, but that was the general gist of it.

So I had a complete breakdown. I went to Shannon's around 10:45pm and stayed there until 2. It was fucked up because Shannon and I are not even best friends anymore, and there are a lot of things she holds against me, and it all just made me feel like shit. I wanted to die. A lot.

I still don't want to be here. I slept through three classes this morning, if you could call it sleeping, and it's taken me 2 hours just to have a shower and get dressed. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here. I spent a good 15 minutes sitting on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet thinking I was going to throw up, or at least make myself throw up. Everything is surreal again. I feel like everything I have worked for wasn't worth a single thing. I tried to be so good, I tried to do the right thing, I tried to be the best person I could be to make him see how much I love him. Things were better between us last year, when I was at my worst. He always told me I had to get better. I thought that would bring us closer, but it only shoved us apart.

He doesn't care about me at all. I could disappear off the face of the earth, and he wouldn't care.

I have to go to school now. I can't do this. Every few minutes I start to burst into tears, or I stare off into nothing. I feel as if I am back at square one again, wanting to hurt myself, wishing I were dead. Time feels frozen. I can look out at the wind blowing the trees, at people walking down the street, at the clock ticking away, at the flame of my candle burning. Everything is in motion but I cannot see it, or I don't want to see it. I'm in a time warp that I cannot get out of.

I wrote a long, long time ago about how I felt as if I were in a maze and couldn't find my way out. I was beginning to think I'd escaped that maze, but you know, I really didn't. I just repressed it all until I was in complete denial and told myself I was better and wasn't obsessed with him and there wasn't anything wrong with me anymore, and he loves me, and we're going to be together, and I know he misses me, and I know it is meant to be. The entire time, I was still in the maze...walking in circles...over, and over, and over again.

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