First of all, why is it that when you dislike something about yourself or what you've done, everyone else seems to love it? Are they just being nice because they don't want you to feel bad? It seems to be that way about everything. I write an essay, and I hate it. Everyone else loves it. I casually say to my friends, "Yeah I really wanna get my hair cut, it's too long", and they all say, "Nooo! I like your hair that length! It looks so good!". Everytime I try to make a decision about something, someone else has to jump in and try and persuade me away from what I was originally thinking so that my thought pattern is messed up and I don't know what to do anymore.

Second, how do you get a boy to stop liking you? There's this guy Mike in my Bio class who I'm pretty sure has a crush on me, and I need it to stop. He's a super nice guy and we've become pretty good friends this year, but I definitely do not want anything going further than that. He's cute and everything, just...not my type. You know when someone is not bad-looking, and there isn't really anything wrong with them at all, but you still just think, No. Well that's what I'm feeling. I mean, I know I'm just so beautiful and charming he probably couldn't resist falling in love with me, but I really cannot handle this right now. Of course I'm kidding (about the beautiful and charming part). At least I am not the only one who thinks he likes me, I'm pretty sure Cynthia saw it today too. He was annoying the hell out of me in our lab and I could see her rolling her eyes at me and telling him to stop asking me the same questions over, and over. And over. We were getting pretty friendly these last couple weeks and me, being so innocent and naive, thought maybe he was just a really friendly guy and it couldn't be anything else, but after today...I've changed my mind on that. I feel so uncomfortable now. Don't want to deal with this. If any guy is going to like me from that class it sure as hell should be Dustin (cute blond boy I mentioned about a week ago and couldn't remember his name).

Anyway, the point of that ramble was, how do I get him to back off without being a bitch? He's a cool friend and I've been making a lot of friends this year (and enemies...more on that later). I like talking to him, but I don't want to give him the wrong signal. We used to sit together on the couches waiting for class to start, but now I'm scared to sit anywhere near him without making him think I did it on purpose or something. I'm at a loss. I cannot believe it never crossed my mind that he had a crush on me. Just this Tuesday, I didn't really say much to him when I came into class and I was being pretty quiet, and so he asked me repeatedly for the next two hours, "Are you okay? Are you sad? You look sad, what's wrong? You can talk to me. I know you want to talk about it. Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay?". You get the idea.

So I don't know what to do about that situation.

I have an English essay to write on Chaucer this weekend. I know I'm just going to end up doing some major, major bullshitting on that; however, it just occured to me that we're probably expected to have used other sources and what not, and I haven't even picked my exact topic yet. So I'm even more beyond screwed than I thought I was.

My heart attack/breast cancer seems to have passed. Funny how that works out.


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