You know when you have those fantasies of getting married on the same day you started dating? Maybe that's just me, but I thought we'd get married on the 17th of some month, so our anniversary would always be the 17th, just like in high school. How cute would that be? So I was thinking, when (WHEN) we get back together, and it isn't on the 17th, will our anniversary still be the 17th or will it change to whatever the date we got back together? I'm rather attached to the 17th. What the fuck am I talking about, I couldn't care less if we get back together on the 17th or not, if we get back together at all, that will be the happiest day of my life. So I really don't care whether or not it's on the 17th. I think I was just thinking about how tomorrow would have been special for us and I felt the need to say something about it and couldn't find anything to say and resorted to this pointless ramble about a stupid day.

Okay, in the process of trying to find something to say about October 17th I found this instead, a note from Cody from (what I believe) approximately January 1999:

"Hey sexy thang, how's it going? Shit I'm in Chem right now, it's so boring. If you wanna go to that field party tonight and not drink, I will not drink with you, and Nev has that promise to Brandon too, if she keeps it. It would be cool to relieve some post-exam stress though. Whatever, I don't really care, I suppose running has started and it would be better for me not to drink if I had another reason as well. For you, would be a very good reason. I want your decision whether you're going to your dad's or not, if you wanna go, that's good, you can make some money, and I'll go up to Cypress. But if you don't wanna go I would be more than happy to stay home and spend my day with you. I would rather be with you than doing anything else in the world. I love you so much, remember I would do anything for you no matter what it is. I had a lot of fun last night. I love being with you, holding you, it is the best feeling in the world. Heh, that was funny when Nev had to wait at the door for us to come. I wonder what kind of stuff her sick mind thought we were doing. Oh well, we were having fun. Or at least I know I was. Holy shit, I'm so bored. I should go pack up now, class is almost over. I will love you forever, I promise. Cody"

In case anyone is interested, we did go to that field party. I didn't drink, and he got totally smashed and ended up hanging off me and bawling his eyes out thinking I was mad at him and was going to break up with him. That was the first time I'd ever seen him cry, and I felt so bad because I wasn't mad at him at all and he just kept crying and crying, and I just kept hugging him and saying, "It's okay, I'm not mad, it's okay..." and he just kept blubbering, "I love you so much, I'm sorry, I love you so much".

I think I'm gonna cry now. Oh my God I miss him. Or, I miss the way things were then. He was so sweet, and he adored me and everything was just...perfect. Now he's an egocentric jerk. But I still love him. *big sigh*

I wish I could call him, but he's in bed by now for sure. I just feel like screaming, "Whatever happened to 'I'll love you forever, I promise'?!?!?". I know what he'll say (besides the, "Krista, I don't want to hear it"), he'll say, "Yeah, and I also always told you that if you cheated on me, I didn't know if I could still be with you". I am such a loser, I knowingly threw away the most important person in my life. I feel like crap, which isn't such a new feeling but...fuck.

Fall used to be my favourite season, and now I hate it. I am dreading Christmas with a passion. Hate it. Wow, I hate everything, don't I?

Okay, I don't hate everything. But I think things would be a lot prettier and appreciated if I could only have him in my life again.

Maybe if I just keep whining.

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