Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

I was almost diagnosed with being borderline in December, so that is interesting.

Something is missing in my life. Cody is missing. I called him today but he wasn't home, so I left a message on his machine and told him I'd call again sometime this week. I miss him so, so much.

I have love on the brain. It seems like all I have thought about this entire week is him. This is all I need right now. I have so many things to do in the next couple weeks that I'm going out of mind without the stress of him added to it.

It seems that everywhere I look are people in love. I know it may sound unreasonable but I'm starting to freak out. I'm 19. I've always wanted to be married by the time I'm 25, and I'd like to have dated my future husband for at least four or five years before we get married. So I've given myself a year to meet the guy I'm going to marry. Or, a year to rekindle the relationship with Cody. That is not enough time. Everyone is moving out together, talking about getting married, talking about babies, talking about the future. I'm so scared I'm going to miss out on the life I always dreamed of.

I know I'm still young, but...not really! I'm almost 20 years old! Oh my god, I'm freaking out. I need Cody back NOW. If I lose him for good now, my entire life plan is screwed. I can't give it up right now, right now is so crucial.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I also think I have severe medical problems, or maybe I'm just one of those people who thinks they have every disorder known the man but really they don't (can't think of that word. Lacking vocabulary today. My mind is going a little something like this: Cody - wedding - baby - call him - don't think about Cody right now, have to study - Cody - wedding - etc.)

Anyway, back to medical problems. I'm convinced I'm having some sort of heart failure. Either that, or it's a combination pinched nerve and breast cancer. For the last month or so, a few days out of the week I have shooting pains and this weird tingly sort of feeling down my left arm. It's not as if I pulled a muscle, or my neck is sore or anything. It feels almost inside, like my bones or blood or something. I know I sound crazy, but honestly it really, really hurts, I have trouble falling asleep it hurts so much sometimes. And then combined with that, I have these sharp pains right under my ribs on the left side, sort of under my left breast - basically, where my heart is, maybe a little further down, but awfully close. Kind of feels like my lung. And that one hurts whenever I breathe, or whenever I move, really. I woke up around 6 am this morning because everytime I inhaled I'd have the shooting pains under my ribs and then my shoulder/back/upper arm have been aching all day. As I type this very second my arm is aching, and I've taken 3 asprin and practically bathed myself in Tiger Balm thinking maybe it is my muscles. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I should actually see a doctor one of these days, before I die, or my cancer becomes incurable, or I'm paralyzed on the left side of my body...or something.

I can't stop thinking about how in the car coming home from the club last weekend, Jordan and Cody were talking in some sort of secret guy-code talk about sex, and it was driving me crazy. I still don't understand exactly what was being said, but I got the impression that Jordan was basically saying, "It sucks not getting play anymore, doesn't it", and Cody was saying "Yeah", but it's still making me crazy. I mean, I am losing sleep over this, thinking they were actually talking about something else and that he's been with another girl. I think I'd have to die, or scream, or I don't know what, but I wouldn't be okay.

I love Jordan, but when he's drunk he's such an ass. He's constantly bringing up things to do with Cody when he knows I am right there and it's going to upset me. Blah.

Why can I not stop thinking about him? As days go on it just gets worse. And because I'm so preoccupied with thinking about him and being depressed about it, my grades aren't good enough to transfer back to University yet.

All I do is screw up my life more and more.

By the way, I am going through a major Carole King obsession.

So far away / Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore? / It would be so fine to see your face at my door / Doesn't help to know you're just time away / Long ago I reached for you and there you stood / Holding you again could only do me good / How I wish I could, but you're so far away

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