I meant to call him today but I fell asleep this afternoon around 3:30 and didn't wake up until Michelle called at 8 and made my dad come and wake me up to talk to her. I wasn't even that tired, or I shouldn't have been. I was just feeling so depressed I was in in one of those moods where all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and not think about anything. I guess I just ended up falling asleep. I wonder how long it would have been until I woke up, if my dad hadn't come in.

I was having a lot of dreams, too. I had a dream I was part of a documentary on Poland. Like, I was Polish myself but there was someone commentating on everything going on. So the commentator was going, "The streets of Poland are extremely dangerous, bla bla bla...". He explained how there were prostitutes on every corner, but they especially stood around McDonalds because McDonalds was the symbol of America, ie. rich men. So Anna, some guy and I were standing around McDonalds smoking cigarettes and I saw all of these women standing around the entrances and the drive thru to McDonalds. I walked over there to see what was going on, and this really hot dark guy came out and was like, "Hey, you wanna come home with me..." and I was like, "Well, I wasn't gonna go out tonight but, why not". We walked back to Anna and I told her I was going home with him and we arranged it somehow that she was going to come too and meet one of the guy's friends. Just as we were getting into the car, Cody pulled up and was like, "Krista, stop, don't go with him" and I paused for a second, and Cody and the guy started yelling at each other then started fighting.

I have no idea what all of that means. I have the weirdest dreams. I think I had another dream to do with being a cruise ship, again. I have so many dreams about being on boats. It must mean something. I bet I have a couple dreams a month where I am on a cruise or a ferry and something happens and I can't get off of it. Something or someone is chasing me, and I try to get away, and I always go to the lowest level of the boat and then I'm stuck in a corner.

I'm listening to sad music. Some of "our" songs, and Maxwell's "This Womans Work", which is one of the saddest songs I've ever heard in my life.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show / I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking / All the things we should have said that we never said / All the things we should done that we never did...

I just want to see Cody again. I just want to hug him again, press myself against him and smell him and feel his arms around me. It's been so long since we've hugged, I can't even remember when the last time was. Probably June. And I love how whenever he was standing behind me, he'd hold my hips, or put his arms around my waist and he'd slip one of his hands on to my stomach, just a little bit under my shirt or right at the hem, and play with my belly button.

How could he adore me so, so much and not even care about me now? I still don't understand. I don't think I will ever understand.

I realized tonight that I really can't joke about being depressed and wanting to kill myself. We went out for dinner and had a couple beers to talk with Anna, who for someone so upset sure wasn't acting like it. All she wanted to do was get drunk, and halfway through the night she made a very blunt comment, "Yeah, I was gonna slit my wrists yesterday". So we kept talking about how we all wanted to die, and ended up laughing our asses off while blurting out, "Yeah, I just wish I were in a car accident! I always wish I had cancer, then it wouldn't be my fault I died! I hope I die tonight! Let's all commit suicide together!", and so on. It honestly went on so long that we were hysterical, and came up with a plan to commit suicide at Love Getty with guns and the caption "Goodbye" on our picture. I'm actually sort of laughing as I type this, but really, not a single thing we were saying was actually a joke. We all knew we were totally dead serious. And that just made me start feeling like shit. Plus, I wasn't in the mood to drink at all, and the alcohol just made me more depressed.

So I'm glad I came home early. I'm in my pajamas now, gonna go to bed soon. Even though I had a 4 1/2 hour nap today I think I will still fall asleep fine.

I feel so guilty about having suicidal thoughts. Whenever they come to mind, I try to push them away because I just feel so, so bad. Everyone thinks I am okay now, they think I'm "better" and that I'm over all of that. I can't let myself be like that because I am so afraid of disappointing everyone.

So many things have happened today to make me feel like crap. First of all, this entire week I've just been low on self-esteem. I feel so fat, even though I know I'm not at all. I know it, but like...I don't, you know? Everytime I eat junk food, I feel like I wanna go throw up, which scares me because I haven't wanted to do that in a long time. But then the more I feel depressed, the more junk I end up eating to ease the pain. Part of the reason I wanted to just sleep this afternoon was so I wasn't tempted to eat.

And little things kept coming up tonight. Michelle saw one of her old friends at the restaurant and talked to her a bit, and she mentioned something about her brother's "crazy" ex and how she'd follow him around and stuff. She kept saying, "yeah she's fucking crazy", etc. All I could think was, yeah I was like that once...everyone called me crazy....everyone probably thinks I still am crazy...I felt like screaming, Don't say that, you don't know her, you don't know what she's going through...

I also couldn't stand how Anna kept bragging about everything. She kept calling Vic, her best-friend-who-loves-her guy, just to get him to tell her he loved her. She plays with his mind so much, it pisses me off. Then she kept saying things like, "Yeah, the only reason I don't want to die is because I'm so hot". Normally I don't care when she says that but because I've been so down on myself this week, that didn't help.

I'm so jealous of her, because her ex still calls her, he still cares about her, he gets pissed off when she's with other guys. He still tells her he loves her, and they still talk about how they're going to end up together. Cody doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to talk to me, he doesn't even think he cares about me at all anymore. If Cody actually called ME, I think I'd die. She takes all of that for granted, she doesn't understand how lucky she is. She thinks she's as badly off as I am, but she's not even close. She loves him, and he still loves her. He calls her every night and they have conversations that last four hours. They still have sex. And she thinks she is on the same page as me. She's not even close.

I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

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