My happiness disappeared in an instant last night. I decided I needed to call Cody and tell him about my Nick Carter encounter. So I gushed to him for a few minutes while he laughed at me and said I was silly, and things were going well. Then came the usual coldness, telling me he didn't want to talk to me, didn't want to see me. It's kind of a on-going joke that I ask him, "When are you coming home?" everytime I talk to him, so I asked him just that in my baby-cute voice, expecting the "Never!". And he said, "Friday".

"...you're coming home Friday?", I said after a brief pause.

Here's the thing - it's Shannon and Vivien's 19th birthdays this weekend, so we'd planned to go to Wet Bar on Richards Friday night to celebrate. I was getting really excited about it because tons of people are going, people I haven't seen since graduation. Now, all I could think was, Oh my god, please don't tell me you're going to Wet Bar, please God please...

But of course he is. It didn't occur to me that this weekend is Thanksgiving so he'd be coming home anyways. I could have sworn Thanksgiving was in November. How Americanized has TV made me...I actually forgot when my own country's Thanksgiving was.

So he said he's pretty sure he's going out on Friday, and now I'm freaking out. I haven't even seen him since the end of July, and now I'm going to see him at a club? That has got to be the number one worst place to see your ex-boyfriend you're still in love with.

I am having a complete spazz. I just cried for another 15 minutes, then stopped, and now I feel like I'm going to cry again. I am so nervous about seeing him. I know he's going to ignore me, he's going to dance with other girls, he's going to talk to all of those people that I was always jealous of in high school, and I'm going to be flipping out. I can't back out of my best friend's birthday party, but God, I do not want to see him. Anywhere would be better than at a club where half of my graduation class will be, and that's the half that know everything that happened between Cody and I, how I went crazy and tried to kill myself. They're the ones that gossiped about me until no end and made my life more of a living hell last year. I was already nervous about seeing them to begin with, but with Cody there, that makes it about three hundred times worse.

I have to look hot. I'm totally freaking out. I'm going to buy a whole new outfit just for Friday. I even sketched out exactly what I want to wear. I'm going to get my nails done too. So much work (and money) for one night where I see one stupid boy who probably will not look at me for more than a couple seconds, when we say "Hey".

I can feel the jealousy already. I'm so scared. I hate feeling like this...anticipating Cody-events are the worst thing in the world.

On the (minor) upside, Michelle and Anna are coming with me for support. I talked to Chelle on the phone for 4 hours last night. She listened to me freak out and promised she'd be there, so I think that'll help.

Actually, there is another upside. I think the way I am dealing with all of this is really a progression. Before, if I knew Cody was going to be anywhere, I had to be there too. I had to be everywhere he was going to be. If I heard he was going to a party, I had to go to see him and try to talk to him. I was so delusional I thought that everytime I was going to see him, things would be so perfect, and we'd hang out the entire time, he'd talk to me, and I'd be so happy. Of course, that never, ever happened, and I spent a million nights crying in the bathroom, alone. But now, look what I'm thinking - I don't want to see him. For once, I am fully recognizing the fact that Cody being somewhere I'm going to be will pose a problem. I am aware that it will NOT be okay, and I will be upset. I would never, ever admit that before, not even two months ago. I was convinced that every time I was going to see him, I'd be fine. Now, I actually would rather avoid a situation like this where he is going to be. I mean, I'd love to spend time with him alone. Even a smaller group would be more acceptable. But a club? No fucking way. I used to subject myself to upsetting situations just to be where he was. I have enough self-respect now to not want to purposely make myself upset.

Wow, it only took me a year and three weeks to progress to this.

I really am the queen of denial, aren't I?

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