Cody,

I wanted to keep talking to you on msn but you went offline, I guess because you didn't want to hear me talk anymore. I can't just sit here and cry by myself so I need to write to you. I tried to call my friends but they're all at school or at work. I wish I could call you, but I'm afraid you'd hang up on me or something, though I don't understand why you would. I don't understand what I'm doing to make you not care about me at all. I feel so badly because I always thought I was doing the right thing, I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do, and even the right thing made everything worse for me.

I know you're busy and I understand that, even if you don't think I do. I just wish we were at least on amicable terms. I love you so much, and I know you don't understand that either.

I can't control loving you, I just do. There's something inside me that just knows that I can't give up everything with you. I just can't, and I won't, I care too much about you, and us. You told me once that it feels so good to work for something and accomplish your goal...well I don't think I've ever felt that before. I've never wanted something so badly before, and actually achieved it. I've never wanted anything as badly as I want to at least be closer with you. I know that working towards something like an athletic goal and working towards something in a relationship is different, but in essence it feels similar. I'm not just going to abandon something I want so, so much. This really means a lot to me. I used to think you cared at least a little about me, but now I'm thinking you really do not and that hurts me so much it is unbelievable. I just don't understand what happened, I don't understand what I did to have things go so wrong. I guess you don't see it as wrong, but I do.

You used to say how you wished we could be friends. I know I told you I wanted to be your girlfriend or nothing. I think that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I wish I had never said that. Instead of losing my boyfriend I lost my best friend too, and I feel so empty. I felt badly in the summer too, but like I said before I always thought that in August things would get better, and maybe during the school year too, we'd still see each other, and things would only progress, you know? I thought the worst was over.

Remember when we went to that movie last year, just you and I...do you know how much I would give to do something like that with you again? I know we're not going to be a couple right now, I know that, but just to spend time with you again...I would give anything. I miss you so, so much.

You said you don't know what to do anymore. Neither do I. You didn't really explain to me what you meant by that, but for me, not knowing what to do is like, I don't know what I can do to make things better anymore. I feel like I have tried so hard, I've tried a million times to bring us closer but it never works. I don't want to give up, I can't, and you mean so much to me. I know I want to be with you, and I'm not just going to forget about it. I never really understood the term "unrequited love" before, I'd just read about it in books and stuff. This year in Psych, I learned what it means - it's when one person loves another person but that person doesn't love them back. So I guess I am the perfect example of unrequited love. For some reason, I always thought the term "unrequited love" had this mysterious romance to it, I always imagined it as like, "forbidden love" I guess. So I was totally wrong. It's got to be the most painful thing on this earth.

I just don't understand. I'm so frustrated and confused; I just don't understand what happened. I don't understand if it is that you can't forgive me, or if I did something else, or you just really don't even care about me as a friend...which hurts me so, so much. I don't think love ever dies...and you always said you'd love me forever...what happened to make you pull away from me so much?

I wish I could actually talk to you about this, because writing to you is like having a one-way conversation with myself based on assumptions of what you mean by things. Time is going by so fast. In a couple months school will be out for Christmas. I would give anything to be able to talk to you then. Can you please just think about it?

I'm sorry for everything, Cody. If you feel like you can't forgive me, I just want you to know that I truly am so, so sorry. If I could go back in time, I would change everything, I promise. But obviously I can't. I feel like I really don't like what happened, but I'm aware I can't change things. I wish I had never told you I didn�t want to be your friend. I just like to look forward to the future and work on making things better right now. And that is what is important to me right now...fixing things that I broke, finding things I lost, putting all of the shattered pieces back together.

Anyway, I think this has gone on long enough now. Thank you for listening to me. I love you so much skish, and I don't think anything will change that. If this last year hasn't, then I really don't think anything can. You wrote in my yearbook that we'd been through so much together and that is what made us strong. I really do believe that. If we could come out in the end of this okay, and if I still am in love with you, I don't think anything could come between that. I just wish I could help you see how good things would be, but I know you have to realize it yourself. I try to make things better, and I can't stop trying. I know I can't make up your mind for you.

Never, ever forget that I am always here for you. You can always call me, anytime. I'm trying to make an effort to fix things. Even if you're happy, I'm not, and it shouldn't be like that. I want us both to be happy. Nothing is going to progress until we're both happy, right? I wish I had never told you I didn't want to be your friend. I wish I could take it back. I will, if you'll let me. You can't just throw this all away. Please don't, please. I love you. As unimportant as that may seem to you, it means a great deal to me.

I love you always, no matter what.

Kris

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