Today has been so shitty. No other word to describe it, just shitty. I didn't get enough sleep last night and have felt groggy all day. School was long and tiring, I skipped soccer practice so that I'd have more time to study for Psych, and so far I've read about two more paragraphs than I had read previously. I called Chelle to wish her a happy birthday and she was sobbing because her dad refused to call her today, on her birthday, and she misses him a lot. I went next door to Shannons to borrow a skirt and visit her a bit, but she was being all tired and bitchy, and wouldn't even get off her bed to tell me which skirt looked better. I came home, wanting to watch TV for a while and relax before hitting the books, and every second channel was Bush talking to the U.S. Congress or whatever the fuck. I'm sorry, I really do care about world events, but honestly...all I wanted was to watch my Simpsons and Friends at their regular times.

Then my dad came home and handed me a letter that simply said "Krista" on the front. I opened it, and it was a letter from Cody that I guess his mom dropped off at my house sometime today. He returned part of the birthday present I gave him with a short letter about how he didn't feel right taking gifts from me, and to stop buying him things. It was the most mechanical thing I have ever read from him, I mean it was if zero feelings were involved. "I appreciate your concern and thoughts, however...". I'd bet anything his mom told him what to write. It felt like one of those, "I'm pretending I care so you don't go suicidal on me again, but really, I don't give a shit" type things.

So I came close to a full-out breakdown and cried for a long time, until I realized that this was getting dangerous. I just had a long, cool bath and I feel a bit better now. No more crying, but I just want to disappear. I hate everything, I hate my life. I hate where I go to school, I hate the way some of my "friends" treat me, I hate my living situation.

What makes me the most angry about today, is that I really tried, you know? Even though I knew I was tired and not feeling so great, I really tried to be pleasant today. I went to all of my classes, and I participated in them all really intelligently. I even carried two presentations on my own basically because the rest of my group either backed out or thought my ideas were the best. On my break I went to Oakridge Mall with Lewis and we ate egg McMuffins and coffee together and had a normal conversation in which he didn't mention Cody at all and only mentioned Shannon once as we walked back to the school. I talked to a girl in Biology about her starting a new club at school for people of African descent, which I thought sounded really cool and I told her to go for it. I remembered Chelle's birthday and gave her a call, and at one point in the day I actually realized, Hey, I haven't thought much about Cody today...

I really, honestly tried. I tried to be happy.

Fuck Cody, fucking loser. I am so angry and so depressed and I just feel like screaming.

I can't wait to get smashed tomorrow night, even though I admit I am a tiny bit nervous. I haven't been full out "drunk" since Mexico. In fact I barely had any alcohol at all this entire summer. I'm so used to smoking pot when I'm stressed that I forget how different alcohol is.

Knowing Lindsey, she'll probably bring weed with her tomorrow night anyway.

After the whole bud bash incident I promised myself I'd quit the partying for a while. It's been less than 2 weeks, so why does it feel so much longer...


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