"Sometimes, I wonder what I am in school for. Why am I sitting here, right at this moment, in Psychology class at 9:38am? I'm not even listening to this guy. I can honestly say that existing right here, right now, is a complete waste of time and space.

I don't think life should be like this. My ambitions are leading me into another three or four years of school, at least. I could be travelling right now, or fighting for a good cause. I could be working as a teacher in a third world country. I'd do that, if I only had the guts. If I could only leave my sheltered little life, I'd be out of here.

Maybe it would be good for me to get away, even if it was for a couple months. I could live somewhere else and leave my problems behind me. Pick up a little foreign language. Live my life any way other than the way I am living it now.

Cody is representing Canada at the PanAm games in Argentina this year. But he doesn't care about going to Argentina. All he wants is the Team Canada clothing. And mark my words, he will wear that shit everyday for months on end, as he's already done with his SFU Track clothing. I asked him, "Aren't you excited to be going to Argentina?! That's totally a once in a lifetime thing...you could even use your Spanish." He said, "Whatever, I just want the jacket!". Christ.

That boy doesn't know how lucky he is. He's so talented, and he is smart, cute, has tons of friends, and he totally happy with the way his life is. He can be a selfish asshole, but I wonder how many people would kill to be him?

Okay, I just spent ten minutes actually listening to guy talk about Darwin's Theory of Evolution. I just want out of here. I'd give anything to get out of here.

Speaking of giving anything. I know I think way too much about stuff like this, but I wonder - what would I really sacrifice to change my life to the way I want it? Could I really give up things I love, that I hold dear to my heart, just to be with Cody?

Again, I don't know why I insist on actually considering upsetting things like this. Hi, welcome to my mind.

Starting with something not as cataclysmic - and by the way, I love using the word cataclysmic and use it at any chance I get - could I give up an activity I enjoy? Reading, field hockey, even writing. Yeah, I'd do it. It'd be difficult not to write, but I could do it. What about all of my money? Possessions? Yeah, I could do that...although it would sort of depend on which possessions. But then again, a great deal of my cherished possessions are Cody-related (the ring he gave me, pictures, etc.). So...yeah, I really don't know where I'm trying to go with this, I'm losing my train of thought as I write. That always, always happens to me when I write in ink. My mind works too fast for my hand to record, damn it.

I just listened to lecture for another five mintues and I had this brilliant insight about natural selection and how according to natural selection, I'm the biggest loser. A failure to the human species, really. There was a lot more to the insight than that, but again, I can't write as fast as I think.

I think that was one of the stupidest things I've actually said - I can't write as fast as I think. Obviously I can't, nobody can, hello, if you could write as fast as you thought that would be totally and incredibly amazing. I cannot even imagine it.

If I could be anywhere right now, I would be on the beach at Gibsons, leaning against a tree, staring out at the ocean and the mountains. I wish I could just take off my clothes and glide into the water and feel the coldness numb my skin, and I could float and stare at the sky, and feel like such a tiny, microscopic part of a huge universe...

I am scared of deep water, especially ocean water, so this is a very bizzare desire.

Two summers ago, while we were camping, Cody took me out in a small boat into the middle of the Okanogan Lake. Our relationship was deteriorating by that time; I think I was actually mad at him for some reason as he paddled us out of the cove and into the center of the black-green water. He got out of the boat, took off his clothes and jumped in, coaxing me to come in too. That was the one, single time I have actually got out of a boat and immersed myself in water where I couldn't see the bottom. My heart felt as if it were going to leap out of my chest, and I said, "Promise you won't let go of me". He promised. The feeling of the water on my bare skin was piercing, I gasped and cried out, trying to climb back in, but Cody pulled me down again while holding on to the side of the boat with one arm. With the other, he held me. For those few moments, with our bodies pressed against one another, my face in his neck, and his hushed voice - "See baby, it's not so bad, is it?" - for those few moments, I felt the most protected I have ever felt in my life. All the while smack in the middle of my biggest nightmare.

I think I would give up everything I have right now to feel him hold me like that again."

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