I don't know if I've ever expressed my seemingly innate hatred towards Thursdays in here before. I know I have many times in my real journal. I always confuse the two, can't remember what I wrote in what (though this tends to be straight prose, while in the other I often scribble senseless poetry and/or unrelated sentences of thought that come to mind). But I digress. Thursdays.

Thursdays are always bad news (is it a coincidence I was born on the Thursday?). Ever since I remember, I remember hating Thursdays. First of all, they were the days I had piano lessons after school. And we all know how much I despised going to piano lessons. I'd dread every single Thursday. To make it even worse, a couple years later my soccer practices also fell on that day, so I was forced to attend piano lessons in my soccer attire so that I could go straight from piano to soccer. The only pro that came out of Thursdays were that Dad always took me to a restaurant to eat, just him and me, because I didn't have time to eat dinner on Thursdays.

Later on in life, Thursdays became a drag in general. It is always the day of the week I am the most exhausted, most moody, most depressed. By Thursday I start thinking, oh Lord it will feel so good to sleep in on Saturday - but uh oh! - we can't forget that I work at 9 am on Saturdays, so screw that. Thursdays are the epitomy of dullness and depression. When I was severely depressed I'd always notice I felt worse on Thursdays for no given reason. I'd suffer more severe breakdowns and go through intense crying spells.

So today is Thursday and I'm not surprised I've been feeling completely out of it all day.

I don't want to see Lewis anymore. I see him today in the sub and I say hi, and right off the bat he goes, "Can you buy me food?". Not like, "Here's some money, I'm too lazy to get up, can you go get me something?". This was, "Buy me some food". No please, no nothing, not even a fucking hello to begin with. Then it's all about, "You're good friends with Shannon, right? You guys like, live next door to each other?". So I go, "Yeah", and he's like, "Yeah, she's soo hot...". This is the third time he's told me Shannon is hot in the last two days, and it's getting to be more than annoying, so I just said, "alright...". He starts to walk away from me as I go to sit on a couch, but then decides to sit down, only to ask me more of, "So what kind of guy does she go for? Tell me about her." I felt like screaming, thinking I'd escaped the whole "Shannon is so hot" ordeal I've gone through every single day of my life since oh, Grade 7, as Shan and I go to different schools now, but apparently she's still hot and I still have to hear about it.

And then, out of absolutely nowhere, he goes, "Hey I really think you should get over Cody". I had no response to that, or at least not one that he'd have any chance of comprehending because he's such a fucking idiot. Then I started to panic thinking maybe he strategically said that because there was something I didn't know (Cody has a girlfriend?) so I asked casually, "Why do you say that?". And he says, "Well it's been a really long time."

So I ended that conversation quickly and he got up and left. My eyes started filling with tears so I got up too and tried to find a quiet place to eat my lunch because I'd conveniently forgotten I was starving. One thing I hate about my school is that there are hardly any quiet places to just sit in solitude. The sub is noisy and crowded most of the time. The library is quiet, but no food or drink allowed. I really need a quiet, comfy place I can eat whatever I want and read or write or do whatever.

So I found a remote couch-thingy on the 3rd floor of the A building and sat by the window, writing to myself and being anti-social for 1/2 hour until Biology started.

Oh yeah, I forgot to add that Lewis, after telling me to buy him food, asked if I'd gone to Psych (obviously he hadn't) and if I'd taken notes. So I said yes...do you want to look at them? And he asked, "Are they good notes?". I felt like saying that they'd be better than any notes he could have taken, but I refrained.

Anyway, back to the couch-thingy. It was actually pretty comfortable. I scribbled on a piece of paper, some crap about the depression coming back, and how everything looked grey today. Which was actually true, to an extent. Everything out of the window was grey - the sky, concrete, the tinted windows with grey shadows of students on the other side. It was grim, and I was choosing to be grim myself.

After the brutally long day was over, I drove home in pain. My right shin has been hurting so much since soccer last week, and today was especially bad. I was actually limping a bit while I walked, and driving home using my right leg was a challenge. All of the flexing and unflexing of my right foot on the pedals was agony, like knives slicing up and down my leg. I was also so tired that by the time I was home, I couldn't remember how I got there. Has that ever happened to you? You just zone out while you drive, even though traffic is heavy, you just drive the route unconsciously and then when you stop the car you're like, how'd I get here?

I remember a little bit of what I was thinking about, though. I was listening to Mariah Carey. At one point I started to cry, thinking of how I'd used the lyrics of "My All" on one of my letters to Cody while I was at SFU. Then as I went over the bridge I remembered how at one point I'd seriously contemplated trying to drive my car off the Knight Street Bridge, and how when coming down Burnaby Mountain (how you get down from SFU), there is a cross on the right side of the road with KRISTA written on it. I always saw that and took it as a sign I was meant to die.

God this is so depressing.

I want to be alone right now, but at the same time I am desperately lonely. I just want to talk to Cody so, so badly. I actually called his cell today (bad, bad, bad). I couldn't take it anymore. It was turned off though. He'll see that I called, not that that'll mean anything to him. Maybe it will make him think about me for at least 5 seconds...and if he does, that will be 5 seconds more than he would have if I hadn't have called, so...mission accomplished.

I should probably take this ice pack off of my leg now, see if it's done a damn thing in the 3 hours I've had it tied to me.

*sigh*

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