I really need a boy who can dance. I mean, I really think that is on my list of boy requirements. Kate has this theory that if a guy can dance, that means he's good in bed, and I'm pretty much in agreement. Cody can dance, Kevin can dance. There must be some sort of connection.

All I can think about right now is sex so I may as well write about it. I need a guy...as much as I don't want one...I really do. Not a serious boyfriend or anything. I just need a new boy toy (or hell, a former boy toy). I don't want to be like Michelle, messing with guys' minds. I just want something no-strings-attached. I had the perfect oppertunity a couple months ago, but I couldn't do it. Too many Cody issues made me feel so, so guilty. I think I would still feel guilty now, but...this is getting ridiculous. It's not like I can't get guys. I know for a fact that three guys I associate with occasionally would be all for it, if I'd just give them the go-ahead. One even told me just a month ago, that I should forget about Cody because "lots of guys would kill to date you", and I said, "yeah, sure, like who?" and he's like, "Well...me, for one...". It was really awkward.

It's not that I'm trying to brag about how many guys want me, I'm just thinking right now, why don't I go for any of them? I'm still hooked on Cody and I don't want to do anything that he'd disapprove of, but I really don't think that's all of it. I think I'm scared of guys in general. Honestly. And I don't exactly blame myself, I mean, I think I have just reason to be. I almost killed myself over one for god's sake, I'm not too thrilled about getting myself into another romantic situation that could be potentially heart-breaking. On one hand, I really want a guy, but then on the other hand, I don't want anything to do with them. Boys are trouble. I don't think I'm even ready for a relationship of any sort right now. I think I'd do the exact same thing I did earlier this summer - get half way into it and then freak out.

I really need to get some sleep... I can't believe tomorrow (well, today!) is my last day of summer.

<< || >>