I think this fall season will be difficult for me. It's September 1, and I'm already thinking of what was happening at this time in my life last year. It wasn't so bad, yet. Cody and I broke up on September 13, so I have a couple weeks to go before the real misery begins.

Maybe I am feeling so badly because August, "our" month, is now over. Cody will be (or already has) moved back to SFU to live with god know's who. I'm trying not to think about that. I'm trying not to think about how I don't know what's going on in his life. I don't know how his training camp went, I don't know what he did up in Whistler every night, I don't even know where the christ he's living this year. I don't know his phone number, I don't know what classes he's taking, I don't know a damned thing about him when I used to know everything.

I'm going crazy, crazy crazy...on the verge of tears...I was supposed to call Deb to make an appointment with her for September but I just don't want to. I'm supposed to be better now, I don't need a therapist anymore because I'm not messed up, and I don't need anymore medicine because I am not going to kill myself. Maybe if I keep telling myself that over and over, I'll believe it one day.

I feel so depressed right now, I just want to scream. I wish there were something to make it go away, but there isn't. I just have to keep living with this black hole inside me - sometimes it's small and hardly even noticeable, and then other times I feel as if it will take over my entire body, my entire soul. I wish there were something I could take, or a switch I could flip on a off - Depressed, Not Depressed! Depressed, Not Depressed!

During my "crazy days" I used to talk about a switch inside my head that would flip on and off when I had breakdowns. I'd describe how I could literally feel the little switch in my brain go flick!. There were two types of breakdowns - there were the violent, screaming ones, and then there were the utterly useless, hopeless, depressed crying ones, where I would collapse to the floor and sob from 10 minutes to 2 hours, unmoving, wanting to kill myself. Those ones were more common. I would cry and cry, mumbling crazy-talk to myself until - flick! - all the feelings of rage would disappear, and I'd find myself laying on the floor thinking, "Okay babe... just get up off the floor...walk to the door, wash your face...it's okay, you can do this..."

The day I was almost locked away in a mental hospital, I had the worst breakdown ever, and Shannon and her mom found me in my room screaming and swearing at Cody on the phone and cutting my arms and crying beyond hysterically. Shannon's mom took me to their house (next door) and she made me hot chocolate and we sat on the couch with Caitlin. Megan came over as well, and while everyone wrapped me up in blankets and pushed my hair out of my face and tried to feed me hot chocolate, The Little Mermaid 2 played on the television. I remember those moments like they just happened. I remember exactly what I was thinking and feeling right then, staring at the cartoons, and I remember how the blanket felt against my skin and what the drink tasted like, and how Caitlin kept glancing over at me, pretending not to notice I was still sniffling. I watched the TV and all I saw were colours blurring together. The sound drifted in and out of the realm I was trying so hard to stay in. All I could think was, Please God, let me die right now. Please kill me, I don't want to be here anymore, please. I'm finished, I'm through, I'm done, take me now. Then I started to get pissed off at the movie - after Ariel fought so hard to become human in the first one, how dare her daughter wish she were a mermaid?

...I love him, but everyday I'm learning / All my life I've only been pretending / Without me, his world will go on turning / A world that's full of happiness that I have never known... (On My Own, from Les Mis).

I'm seeing it tomorrow. I have never seen it, so I have something to look forward to. Always a good thing.

I smoked way too much last night. I hate when I do that. I want to get really, really ripped so I just take way too many hits so that I go beyond being high, I'm just completely spaced out all night and can't feel my body from the waist down. We had a few good laughs but most of the time I was completely out of it, and I cannot say it was an enjoyable night. Paul was with us, which put a damper on my mood to begin with. Anna, Michelle, Lindsey and I were planning on having a girls-only night in honour of Lindsey, who leaves to Victoria tomorrow (*sob*), but of course Michelle had to invite Paul, who I believe is becoming one of my least favourite people to be around.

I actually bought a pack of cigarettes the other day.

Only two days until school starts again, and I couldn't be looking forward to it anymore than I am.

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