I can't stop crying now, over everything. That was the final straw. Now everything inside me is just pouring out. I can't stop. I just want to run away.

I hate feeling like this but I can't make it go away. The only friends I have are my stoner friends. They're the ones whose lives are screwed up, mostly by ex-boyfriends. It's true that they are the only people who have stood beside me through everything. We talk and cry to each other, and then we get ripped and laugh it all off as if our problems are nothing.

The friendship I have with Michelle and Anna especially is like no other. We truly understand each other, because we all know what it feels like to be the other person. My other so-called friends have absolutely no concept of what I've been through. They're sick of me talking about it. So I don't. And then Cody wonders why I started smoking so much weed. I hate my friends so much right now. I hate them for being so inconsiderate.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I feel so completely abandoned. I hate the feeling of wanting to lean on someone everytime I have a breakdown. I want to be able to handle this myself. So I write. I write in here, I write in my paper journal. I stare out the window, imagining what it'd be like to just hop on a bus right now and just leave.

I used to have a problem with displaying my emotions too much. I'd cry everywhere, at school, field hockey practice, at home. I was always upset about everything, and I was always crying. Now, I try not to cry, and I hold everything inside of me until something like this just pushes me over the edge, and then I burst, and now I don't know what to do with all of this negative energy. I just wish he were here right now. I just need to be held.

It's a horrible feeling to realize that your friends don't care about you. They don't care that you're sitting at home, all alone, crying to yourself and wishing you could trade places with anyone else right at this moment. The guy you love with all your heart is not even thinking about you right now, when all you can think about is him. When you planned out how you were going to celebrate his birthday, he forgot about yours. While you counted down the days until you'd see him again, he made other plans, so that that day would be delayed, and then delayed again, and again. You smiled and went to bed happy after he promised to call you in the next couple days, but he never called. More importantly - he didn't care that he broke that promise.

My stupid, stupid bed. A little off topic, but still bothering me. It's the most comfortable bed on this earth, and I love it dearly. But I bought it with the intention that Cody and I would be sharing it. I mean, I actually took this into consideration when I chose the size of the bed. And this was about four months after we'd broken up. I am crying because I am so beyond delusional.

So, so beyond delusional.

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