Today I have only thought of him. I left a message on his cell phone, wishing him a happy birthday, asking him to call me back. He never did, of course.I don't know what to say. I feel so depressed. I wish I could make myself disappear right now. I wish I could be someone else. I wish I didn't have to live with the person I call "myself".
A boy. One boy, one stupid boy that shouldn't have this much power over me. One boy.
It's not that I don't know what is right from wrong, I know perfectly well. But I can't change my heart no matter how hard I try. I can't change how I feel for him or the way he makes me feel when I walk into a room and see him standing there. I can't help the way I want to touch him and kiss him. If I pretend I don't love him, I am not being myself...and sometimes that is a worse feeling than loving him.
I like to think someday in the future, preferrably soon, when we're together again, we'll think back on all of this and laugh. We'll say, Can you believe we were actually apart for an entire year? I'll say, Thank God I never gave up on you...thank God I never lost you.
All of my efforts must account to something in the end. God wouldn't do this to me and I wouldn't do this to myself if there weren't a good reason for it. If the good reason is to teach me a lesson about getting over him, then I will be very pissed.
We'd been dating for 2 weeks when we took the bus downtown on a snowy day in the beginning of December 1998. He had a project to do for photography class and had decided to take some shots of the grafitti walls on the East side. Everything at Grand Central Station looked so clean because of the new whiteness covering everything. He held my cold hands and kissed me and I had never been so happy in my life. I remember everything from that day, the way the air smelled, the sounds of the cars and the crunch under my feet as we trudged past the "No Trespassing" sign. After a few shots of the walls, I stood in front of the walls and he took pictures of me instead...me laughing, dancing, throwing snow at him. He started to chase me and caught me quickly, held me tight and said, "You're so beautiful".
When I was in his room last, this June, one of those pictures of me was still in its frame, leaning against the wall.
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