I never, ever want to drink again. I know I've said that before, but I think I really mean it this time. It's a depressant, for christ's sake. Everytime I drink, I get sad, I end up bawling my eyes out somewhere for hours on end about Cody not loving me, I get 3 or 4 hours of sleep and then Rhonda, Tami and I go out for breakfast still tripping out from the night before and we have an overall good time discussing how evil males are. So that pretty much summed up the last 40 hours of my life.
I actually had an enjoyable day today, minus the early hours when I was having a breakdown. After the three of us had layed around watching Curtis Court until 1pm, we all showered and went to Banners for food, went back to Tami's where Jeff picked us up, and the four of us went downtown to the Vancouver Art Gallery. We spent a lovely 2 hours with Rembrant, Michael Snow and Emily Carr. It's nice to look at pictures and not have to think about anything else but the art in front of you. I need more stimulus like that, to get my mind off of him. It's all about the visuals.
When I was looking at the art, however, I was thinking of him, but not him per se - relationships in general. One of Rembrant's prints - an ink black background contrasting a stark white foreground, and just slightly in between shades of grey peeking out. When you're in love it's like everything is that whiteness, that clarity. When you're apart for good, everything is black - over, done with, gone, dead. But if you're still struggling with letting go, or you're fighting, or if you have any sort of issues tying yourself to the relationship in any way, you're in the grey area. You can go either way and you have no idea which way the path will lead you...maybe you'll see light or maybe you'll see dark, and really you have little control over which way you're going to go. Each person has a little power, a little of their white to fight the other's black, but ultimately when the two come to fight you don't know if your white can outlive his black. You don't know how strong your white is until you test it against his black and see how he reacts to your white. How can he possibly know how much strengh you have behind your fight until he faces it head on? Cody won't talk to me because he's scared I'll lose it. People say he cares about me a lot, that he's worried, that he doesn't want to do the wrong thing, he doesn't want me to hurt myself anymore. He's scared to talk to me in fear of making the wrong decision. What if he's scared that when faced with what I want from us, he'll doubt himself?
My idiotic babble of the day. Thankyouverymuch.
Oh yeah, and Happy BC Day.
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