I'm so lonely today. I rarely see my friends anymore. Hardly anyone signs my guestbook, so I assume hardly anyone even reads this. Cody hasn't paged me yet, and he's been home for 4 days. I feel so...unloved. God, I miss him so much. The more time goes by, the more I miss him. I've been checking my pager ever 5 seconds and it's driving me absolutely, totally insane.

I have this incredible urge to write him a letter, make him a card, buy him presents, but I won't, because I don't really see the point in it anymore. There's a fine line between wanting, and actually acting upon your wants. Therapy has helped me exert a little self-control. I want, but I don't do. But I do still want. I want him, I love him, I miss him. Nothing has changed that yet. And around we go, to the never-ending question, Can you ever stop loving a person?

I am utterly unmotivated today. I feel like sitting in a corner and sulking. I'm actually pouting as I write this; I can feel my lower lip sagging. I could cry right now if I worked myself up to it. I'm saving my tears for Cody, so I can cry to him when I ask him for the 400th time why he doesn't love me, why he doesn't miss me, and why, oh why can't we just try again? For me, please?

I hate feeling this...pathetic. I am really down on myself right now. I feel worthless and stupid. A lovesick idiot that can't keep her mind off a guy who doesn't want her. If the rest of my life is going to be like this, I'd like to be shot in the head right now, thank you.

I can't live the rest of my life just wanting. There are times where you have to do, not just sit around and want. You have to do. So I guess what I've been trying to say is yes, there's a fine line between wanting and doing - but there is also a time and place for both. Pretty soon I'm going to have to do something. I can't sit around anymore, being the "good girl" he wants me to be, and not get anything out of it.

I need all this wanting and waiting to pay off.

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