I forget what it's like to kiss Cody and be intimate with him. I haven't seen him in so long that I have to reassure myself he isn't a figment of my imagination. In total, this summer I bet I have seen him less than 6 times.

What keeps me alive is hope. I lost it at a party in July because all my hope was (falsely) crushed. It was the last time I cried like that; screamed like that. It is my most recent night spent wanting to die or hurt myself. The whole incident proved to me just how dependant my seemingly stable life is on hope. Hope we'll be together soon. Hope he loves me and is waiting for the perfect oppertunity to express it. Hope he will never find someone else.

I can't imagine myself without this hope. I don't know what I'd be like, to be quite honest. I don't know what kind of person I'd be without loving him, caring about what he's doing, without the urges to call him, without making him cards and suffering endless nightmares. Without fighting the need to cry at night and only resisting because I can't show up at work every morning with pink, puffy eyes and a gazeless stare.

I will write Cody a small note, make him a card, tell him how proud I am of him going to Nationals, because I am. I want him to want to hold me, but I've done all I can. There is nothing more left to do but wait, and wait...and hold on to my hope.

[Off the topic of hope, but still important - I'm getting sick of my layout. Can anyone help me?]

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