Why should I have to lock it? I mean, really. So two stupid fucks acted like their normal selves and pissed me off as usual. Why should they ruin my diary for the rest of the mature and loyal people out there?

The lock may come off soon, folks.

Today was an extremely bad day at work. It seemed as if the entire human population was stressed to the point they where they were about to bite off the next head they saw. And that head just happened to be mine.

I almost started crying about 4 seconds ago because someone just told me Cody dates other girls. I actually don't think it's true, but now I'm sick with worry because that part of me really never changed throughout this entire ordeal. I know I'm going to be worried and upset until I talk to him next, and even that probably won't help. I haven't had a really good cry in a while. Tonight seems to be an ideal night, although I will look like absolute hell tomorrow morning at work. But who the fuck cares.

I'm in such a bad mood. I miss Cody so much, too. I can't wait until August but now I'm mounting so much hope on one stupid month. One stupid, good for nothing month that will probably end up just that - good for nothing. I can't take this never-ending cycle of getting hurt and then re-hurt over...and over...and over...

I give off this aura around other guys that screams Fuck Off. Either they think I'm taken, or they know I'm a bitch with a hard shell to break. I'm not looking for any kind of relationship whatsoever, unless it's with him. I don't want guys to be interested in me. I want them to stay far away so that I never get hurt again. If another guy ever does come along, he'll have to work hard to get me. Really, really hard. It's like my favourite song by Eve, I can't remember the exact lyrics, but it's something along the lines of "when you left me it was like a bullet to my chest, ever since then I wear a bullet-proof vest".

See, my chest has been ripped open and re-sewn so many times that I feel as if it's made of steel now. It's just so, so hard and brittle inside there. I'm not soft and easy to tear anymore, see? I may cry and get upset once in a while, and I may worry, but if you want to see me get REALLY upset, it's gonna take a sledgehammer to break me. It's like I have this box around me protecting me from any guy who so much as looks at me. I hate them all, really. I can't decide if it really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It's a very difficult decision to make.

I wish Cody were here right now. I just want to look at him. I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I wish he'd be my friend, at least. I wish he'd care about our situation. I hate him so much for so many little, inconsiderate things. But then I can't make myself stop loving him. It's just an impossible task.

"Love is blind...and it will take over your mind" - Eve

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