I say I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...he doesn't want to hear that, because I can do whatever I want now, right? But this isn't what I want, not by a long shot. What would you do if you were me, I ask. He says he'd just maintain his daily life and keep doing the things he normally did. Like he has any idea what it's like to be in love with someone and wait for them to decide if they hate you or not.

Sometimes I wish I could feel the absolute despair I used to feel...just to feel something. I don't feel much anymore, besides these rare times I wish I could bawl my eyes out, and can't. Times like this where I am so confused.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I have choices that I could not make if my life depended on it.

At times like these I feel unloved. I care about people so much and they just don't feel the same way back.

I wish I could go to a place just with him, for the rest of our lives, and never see another person. The sky would not always be blue; sometimes it would storm and we'd hide under our shelter together and live through the hard times that came our way. The ocean and streams would be crystal clear, so clear we could bathe in them and swim in them and drink from them, and the trees would be full and green and the branches would sway in the wind. I would stroll up and down the beaches and laugh and try to catch the waves in my hands, and I'd write in the wet sand "Krista Loves Cody" and there would be no shame in that. I'd come home to him and he'd come home to me and we'd only have each other, so there would be no other option, not that there would ever need to be. If I ever fell ill he would be there to hold me, and if he ever went missing while looking for food I would worry myself sick, but he'd always come home. When I would cry he'd kiss my tears away, and when he was mad I would let him be until it passed, and nothing could or would ever destroy our utopia.

How do you teach yourself not to care for someone anymore?

I think the answer is, you can't. I think that there are people you will always love for your entire life, no matter where you are, what you're doing, or who you are with. I know that no matter what guy I may end up with, I am Cody's girl. Always.

I don't know what to do with myself right now. I could go to bed. I could make some tea. I could sit here and cry, write in my other journal. Draw. I could write him a letter like I really want to, but what is the point in getting myself severly upset about it. I told him I'd make him a card today, he said, I don't want it.

Car alarm going off is piercing my brain, slicing it into a million pieces. I suppose it will go along with my heart.

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