Last week was not fun, and I don't have the energy to describe all the hell I went through, but it included a very rough period of about 40 hours where I wanted to die again. It scared the living hell out of me. I have been medicine free for about 7 days. Not long enough to have an emotional effect on me, but today I am feeling it physically. Sick to my stomach and very, very dizzy. Headache after headache. Tomorrow will be worse but I hope I will be okay in the end of it all. It can't take too long for the withdrawal to cease. Can it?

There are way too many things I want to do in the fall. I have no idea how I am going to be able to choose. I am going to school of course, but I want to take 5 classes each semester, so that will be more challenging than usual. I want to keep playing JV field hockey for SFU, and I want to go to practices, but the fact that it's out in Burnaby really sucks. I want to take Jazz and Ballet twice a week with Urban Dance Company. I want to play soccer. Oh yeah, and I will still have to work at least one weeknight and weekends too. And hopefully, if all goes according to fantasy plan, then I will have my baby back and I will want to see him once a week too, which would be utterly convenient on Sundays when I'm at Burnaby Lake playing hockey.

I hate wanting to do too many things at once. It's the hardest decision in the world whether to play hockey or not. I want to so, so badly, simply because I love to play. The one thing holding me back so much is the distance. Gas prices are a bitch, and I hate giving up entire Sundays just to play a single game. I know I won't be able to make the practices I want to go to, I just can't get out to Burnaby that many times a week. But I want to play so badly.

I'm exhausted to the point where I feel nauseaus again. I need to go, for now. I had a lot to say, but all of a sudden I feel like I'm going to faint.

I have never gone more than 2 weeks without medicine, and I'm scared of how long the physical sickness is going to last. All day I've been so wiped that I can barely walk for more than 3 minutes at a time. When I get in bed tonight I will just pass out into a deep sleep. Which is actually somewhat relieving after a week's worth of nightmares.

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