Last night I had nightmares about Cody. The first time I've had really bad dreams in a month or so. I don't know if it was the weed, or a combination of that and feeling down about this weekend. One of the last good memories I have with Cody are of our Osoyoos trip last year. Right after that, he went to Whistler for a week for training camp, and after that it all went downhill. Thinking of going on this trip without him has made me depressed. Memories keep flowing through my mind and I have no control over it. I'll be talking with friends, and out of nowhere I think of a conversation I had with him, or the way we laughed together at Safeway when we were shopping for food, or how cute he looked when he was paddling in the boat. I want him to hold me so badly...when I wake up after bad dreams the first thing I think of is him; I want to turn over and feel him there beside me. The last night I spent with him, I woke up in the night, he was asleep. I turned over, into him, and cuddled myself against his chest, and he felt me against him and wrapped his arms around my waist and I kissed his neck, and I knew things were so bad between us right then but I thought we'd survive it, I thought we'd been through so much shit before that we could make it through anything. I thought he loved me enough to want to try again, but that was the last night I spent with him...and now I've made myself cry. Way to go Kris.

The next line of that RENT finale is:

Without you the grass grows, the ears hear, the pulse beats, life goes on, but I'm gone, 'cause I die without you

Happy, positive thoughts!

White Oleander was excellent, and now I will start A Map of the World or We Were The Mulvaneys. I already tried to read a bit of that one though, and I could barely get through it. Joyce Carol Oates bothers me. Her writing style is just so jumpy. I don't like it, I can hardly keep my eyes on the page.

I wanted to take Creative Writing at Langara until Sarah from Linguistics told me I have to read my pieces aloud and present them to the class. I don't mind sharing my writing (as in, other people can read it), but I do mind reading it aloud. I wouldn't mind ANOTHER person reading my work aloud, but reading it myself? No thanks.

Got my bank statement back. In the month of May I spent $1636.18. Yes I wrote that correctly and No I'm not joking. Rock on. Go Krista. Scoring big points today!

Not only have I not let go of the idea that I was pregnant in the fall and the period I eventually got in December was a miscarriage, I have now not got my period in 3 months for no apparent reason. My body is so fucked. I can't wait to get off this medicine. Just put me through the withdrawal already, really. Speaking of medicine, I didn't take it last night.

I haven't packed for camping yet and we're leaving tomorrow morning so I should really get on that.

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