I had a brief upset an hour ago. I talked to Cody and something clicked. For a split second I wanted to run away, but I didn't, obviously. I'm okay now. Drinking tea and sitting in the dark, listening to "Silence" by Sarah McLachlan & Delirium. That song sends the most amazing chills up my spine. It somehow sends me into a different demension - a completely alternate universe. It scares everything out of me, and I like that. Big applause for Silence.
Meds withdrawal again. Feels like shit. I meant to haul my sorry self to fill up my prescription again today, but I ended up sleeping in until almost 4 in the afternoon.
It's been hard for me to come to terms with the recovery process. Two steps forward, one step back, you know? There are good times, and there are the odd bad times. There are bouts of anxiety and sudden suicidal thoughts that hit you like a ton of bricks. I was happy this evening, until -bam- all I could think was that I was so angry, so frustrated, and I wanted to die right then. It's disappointing and hard for me to realize that this will probably be something I'll be dealing with for a while to come. I'm not going to magically get better, and I may still have to keep going to therapy for a while longer. But I know I can do it, in the end. I know things will somehow work out, and I will be happy sometime in my life. I may be 40 years old before I'm happy, but...at least I'll be happy for the last half of my life.
It's sad, really. This is the only life I will live, or remember living, and I deserve to be happy. I often wonder why this had to happen to me. Do you believe in necessary evils? I used to. Until it happened to me.
Give me release
Witness me
I am outside
Give me peace
Heaven holds a sense of wonder
And I wanted to believe
That I'd get caught up
When the rage in me subsides
In this white wave I am sinking in this silence
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