I can't think of another way to express it. Weird. It's a good word. If I could squeeze my brain a little more I'd think of a more intelligent word to use, but I'm so...drained.

Saturday night, I saw Cody. It went alright. It was hard, but at the same time, I had a really good night. Got drunk and high with girlfriends, which is always an interesting bonding experience.

Sunday, I worked all day by myself, which was nice. I was dreading the shift with Holly but it turned out that she was really sick and couldn't make it. I loved being alone for the entire shift, it was less stressful. I was at some sort of...peace.

Last night, a friend of mine listed the reasons why he likes me. It has confused me beyond belief, because I know that we both know that if I wasn't hooked on Cody, it's possible we'd be together.

I don't have energy for anything anymore. Today, I feel drained. Drained in every way possible. I have nothing left to give, therefore I have nothing left to gain. I feel as if I'm spent. I'm over, I'm done with, that's all folks, the show's over. I've waited long enough to be with Cody again. I suffered immensely. I went to hell and back, and now I'm done. I can't take it anymore, I just want to disappear. Living has exhausted me. Everything, inside and outside, feels dead. I've been fighting for so long, fighting depression, fighting my urges for him. Fighting everything I really, really want, trying to fight it off, and all that fighting has left me with nothing. I hate to rely on age-old metaphors, but I really feel like a ghost. I feel like a vast void caught in the center of so much energy around me. Things are staring not to matter to me anymore.

I fear I am feeling depressed again.

And I'm so frustrated. Always, always frustrated.

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