I am so nervous about seeing Cody. I will possibly see him tomorrow night briefly. We won't get to talk. We'll just see each other. Maybe exchange a "hello" and "I like your hair", but that is about it. I feel so sickeningly nauseus thinking about it. I don't want to see him. I mean I do, but I'd rather see him on a night where we can talk, not at a party where he'll show up, flash a look of amusement at my drunken state, and leave somewhere else with his friends. That will drive me crazy. I may cry. I may not. I don't know how I will feel, looking at his face for the first time in a couple months. I have never, ever been away from him this long before. I know when I look at him, I will fall harder in love than ever before. It happened once, when we didn't see each other for a month. And I thought that was a long time. He showed up at the store, a surprise visit, gave me a hug. One look at his face and I felt my entire body melt. I cannot even describe the love I feel for him. It's completely inescapable. Just thinking about seeing him is enough to send chills down my spine and a warm, electrical flow up the center of my body through my heart. It's the most amazing feeling, being in love. Funny, because I think I've also said it's the most awful feeling.

Some poor boy messaged me off of Napster and wants to cyber. I've told him no, and now he's insulting me. And I quote, "Prep, I think u like girls u stupid bitch", "ho, ho, ho!", "I'm only 13, now do you wanna cyber? I'm telling my mom this is rape!". I am so extremely amused by people thinking that by typing lame insults in caps to some stranger is really going to do anything. "Oh yeah and your mom is pretty hot she's good in bed!". Oooh. I'm so hurt buddy. Christ, get a fucking life.

I don't know if I want to write in this diary anymore. It used to feel therapeutic, and now I can barely get myself to write. I need inspiration. I'm totally lacking, and frankly, I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to keep babbling on this thing. Every entry feels shallower and shallower. Maybe I am just spent.


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