I miss Cody so much, it is unbearable right now. I feel so lonely and so empty inside. I just wish I could hear his voice right now, or touch him, or have him hold me. God I think I would die and go to heaven if I could just be in his arms right now. I would just cry out of sheer happiness. I want him to hold me forever, hold me tight and never let me go. I want him to tell me he has always loved me and I just needed time to heal myself and that he will always be here for me and that he always knew we'd be togehter. I just want to feel his arms around me. I want him to cuddle me until I fall asleep in his arms, like I have done dozens of times before. How could I have taken that all for granted? Every single little thing he ever did for me, God I would kill for those things now. Just to hear him say "I love you", just for him to call me silly names, to put his arms around me, hold my hand, tell me he wants me to come over. I feel like I have completely disappeared from his life. The more days that pass, the more I become that ghost, the thing he never thinks about, the person who will eventually just exit his memory all together and become something of the insignificant past. Does he ever think about me? Does he ever want to pick up the phone and call me? Does he ever miss me, wish he could hold me and kiss me, wish he would call me to say goodnight, wish that I would call him? Does it make him happier to not hear from me at all for a week? Does he even care?

I feel as if my insides are being torn apart slowly and painfully. Those stitches holding that gaping hole closed are coming apart, one stitch at a time and it is excruciating. Every week that goes by, a stitch or two is opened and new pain and hurt seeps into me again. Pretty soon I am going to explode and I know it, I can feel it some days. Everything inside of me and all I have worked for, all I have done to "get better", it will all break loose and I will scream and hit and kick and I will just let out all of the rage. Of course I am not actually letting it out. I don't know how to let it out, besides bleed it out and I don't want to get into that again.

I love this line from a short story I read - "Everything is an act of God...God's got one damn sense of humour".


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