I just cried for a good half an hour, soaking my pillow with tears. I hate today. I am so sad and I miss him so much. This week has been a week of empty unfulfilled dreams, and once again I feel like a failure, like no one likes me. I am so unloved. Poor me. Poor me. I feel like slapping myself, or hurting myself or just screaming and ripping something apart. I hate feeling so helpless, so sad and lonely and depressed but all I do is lay there motionless, crying. All I can do is sit here in the dark, wrapped in blankets with puffy red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, typing words into a diary no one reads anyway. I have no one to talk to. My friends don't want to hear about my depression, so I guess I don't really have any friends. I want to just run away right now. I wish I could just leave, pack a few things that are dear to me, and leave. Go anywhere. I think if you keep running you'll escape it all. I know people say you can't run from your problems, but your problems will only catch you if you stop. If you never stop, and you keep on running, eventually you are going to get away from them. You will just be nobody and at least you are a nobody that doesn't have problems. Unless your problem is that you are nobody.
Sometimes I wish I had just killed myself at SFU and got it over with already. I would have saved myself from a lot of pain. I would have also not had the chance to experience a couple good things that came out of it, but one of those things was never what I want the most, and that is Cody.
I hate his friends for wanting us to break up, I hate them, I hate so many people. I hate God. I hate everything. I just want to drown in my misery, literally. I tried to drown myself twice, once was a real try, the other was a truly lame attempt but I guess it still counts. Sometimes when I am in the bath I think about that and I don't want to try again, but I just think about it. It's funny how the bathtub is a place I go now if I am sad. A luke-warm bath is always good for me when I'm crying. Water is calming, though I am afraid of the ocean, and deep water. I dream almost every night about water.
I need to cry again. The first time didn't help. I need to talk to someone, I need to talk to him. Or someone who cares. He doesn't care, so I guess he's not the one I should go to, but I want him to care so badly, I want him to care about me like he used to.
I don't know how to end this. Who cares. I am just sad. I feel like dying. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate loving someone who doesn't love you in return.
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