I'm back already and yes I know, Krista has nothing else better to do than write in her diary but I just checked my old entries. All of March and April are missing. I remember trying to archive my old entries, but...I didn't mean to get rid of them?! Shit. So now what? Where are they? Floating around in the abyss of the internet? Not that they mattered anyways. I just re-read some old entries from May 2000 and I sound like a freakin ditz. I guess it really shows how much I have changed, huh.
One entry I wrote about how Jamil was upset about Viv and Kevin, and about how I told him that it "just takes time", and how true that was. I had no idea what I was talking about then. Time. Right. I hate time. Cody and I have been apart almost 6 months now and not a single thing has changed inside of me, besides the fact that I'm not hurting myself.
Somehow and sometime in the last year, I shifted from writing entries made for other people to read, to simply writing for myself. What a difference that has made.
Last night I cried myself to sleep, thinking about him, and how badly I want my old life back, and how stupid I was to take so much for granted. I don't even know myself anymore; I am nobody. I can barely remember the last 6 months of my life.
It's quite sad, really. I'm looking at a bracelet my grandma brought me back from New Orleans. It's a hemp bracelet with beads incorporated into it, and the beads in the middle spell out KRISTA. The word looks so foreign to me. Krista died 6 months ago. So who am I now?
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